


Echoes

by aMUSEment345



Series: Soundings [2]
Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Eventual Romance, F/M, Family, Friendship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-29
Updated: 2016-08-07
Packaged: 2018-07-27 12:50:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 27,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7618711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aMUSEment345/pseuds/aMUSEment345
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Follows on 'Her Voice', second in the 'Soundings' series. Reid encounters his mother through her journals, and finds advice on building a new life for himself.  Set in Season 7.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Echoes**

**Chapter 1**

_Reid turned the page slowly. His mother's journals were so full of the unexpected._

_He recalled their final moments together_ ….Reid, holding his mother, JJ reading her to her rest. When she was done, JJ quietly closed the book and moved over to Reid. He lay there, eyes closed, an indeterminate expression on his face.

JJ gently laid her hand on his shoulder. "Spence."

When he looked at her, she spoke to him with her eyes. He nodded slightly, and moved out from beside his mother and into JJ's arms. She held him even after he made to let go, knowing he would need her strength even more than he realized.

Dr. Carson entered the room and confirmed that Diana was gone. He shook Reid's hand, offering his consolation. "Dr. Reid, I'm so sorry about your loss. For all of the problems she'd had in her life, she seemed quite a formidable woman."

Reid gave a mild guffaw. "She was definitely that, Dr. Carson. And more. Thank you for all you did for her, and especially for keeping her comfortable."

"Have you thought about arrangements, Dr. Reid?"

At that, Reid looked helplessly at JJ, whose nod reassured him she would help. Allowing him a final, lasting glance at his mother, JJ led him from the room. At the hotel, she settled him again on his bed. "At least close your eyes, Spence. You've barely gotten enough rest."

He intended to obey. But before he did, he had something to say. Feeling closer to her than he ever had, Reid stood before her and took both of her hands in his. "JJ, these past few days have been some of the most difficult of my life. I seriously don't think I could have gotten through them without you. 'Thank you' doesn't seem like enough. I…."

JJ interrupted him. "Spence, it's like I told your mother. You're a part of my family now, and this is what families do for one another."

He didn't know she'd said that to Diana. Didn't even know that's how she felt. Especially hadn't known anything close to a family before. Suddenly felt grounded and, oddly,…. home.

After they returned to the hotel, JJ called Hotch to fill him in. As luck would have it, the team was concluding its stay in Arizona in the morning. They would be able to attend Diana's funeral the following day. Even Garcia would have time to get there from Quantico.

JJ was on speaker with the team. "How is he holding up, JJ?" Emily wanted to know.

"He's exhausted, but he's okay. I'm going to try to make sure he gets some sleep tonight. I think he might actually be able to, now that it's over."

Noticing something in her voice, Hotch asked, "JJ, how are _you_ doing?"

"I'm fine, Hotch. I think I'm still processing, so I'm sure Reid is as well. It…..I….it was a privilege to be there for both Reid and his mother. So incredibly sad, but also so beautiful….."

"JJ, you take care of yourself and Reid, now. We'll see you tomorrow," said Morgan.

"Give him our best, JJ," added Rossi.

"And hugs from all of us-to both of you!" from Emily, "and thank you, JJ, for being there with him."

* * *

The following day, Emily delivered her hugs in person. Reid looked pale and, impossibly, thinner than usual. _Can that happen in only three day_ s? But he seemed to be holding together well. She noticed JJ seemed a little protective-a hand on his arm, moving someone along when the conversation went too long-or too deep. And Reid seemed to settle into it, to feel more comfortable and more confident when she was around.

The memorial service was held at Bennington, to allow those fellow patients who'd grown fond of Diana to attend. Reid was surprised at how many staff attended as well.

"We greatly respected your mother, Dr. Reid." He had been approached by one of the head nurses. "She was clearly a very intelligent person who was trapped in a circumstance she would never have chosen. On her good days, she was a teacher, a listener, even a philosopher. I, personally, had some of the great conversations of my life with her. I learned a lot. I only hope that, in turn, I was able to help her when she needed it."

That precipitated mixed feelings from Reid. For much of his life, he'd avoided Bennington, and so hadn't realized the esteem in which his mother was held. That brought the guilt. But the comfort was there in the knowledge that those with her had recognized his mother's gifts despite the illness.

"Thank you for telling me that. I know my mother felt very much at home at Bennington. I'm sure it was due to the care you gave her, and the caring you showed for her."

The hospital chaplain led the service. Reid, though uncertain about being able to get through it, had decided he needed to give the eulogy. He kept it brief. His mother's fellow patients didn't all share her long attention span.

As he rose to speak, Reid noticed that the team were all sitting together, providing a visual anchor for him. JJ gave him an encouraging smile and nod. Clearing his throat, he began. "Thanks to all of you for being here today, and for everything you did for my mother along the way. My family-my mother and I-couldn't have gotten through the past twelve years without it."

He went on. "Diana Reid was an incredible woman. None of us here, including myself, knew her before she was ill, but she did have a life before that. And she was strong enough to find a life after it. As a young girl, Diana was an athlete, a scholar, and a gifted cellist. She earned a degree in literature from the University of Nevada, with a plan to have a writing career. But she fell ill shortly after graduating college and marrying her husband…..my father."

It was subtle, but there was still bitterness evident in those final words. The team had already noticed that William Reid was not in attendance.

Reid went on, "Schizophrenia is a terrifying illness. Those who suffer it daily face a kind of nightmare from which they cannot awaken. Thankfully, there is treatment, and for a time, it worked for my mother. But then she found herself pregnant…..with me. And this woman," and here his voice faltered, "this woman, my mother, voluntarily stopped her treatment so that I could be born healthy. And in doing so she fell back into her nightmare. "

He had to pause for a moment, trying to regain his composure. "I can only hope one day to have the kind of courage she had, to sacrifice myself for the sake of someone else."

The members of the team found themselves remembering the several times they'd seen Reid do just that. Now they understood it was a family trait.

Reid continued, "That's really the whole story. A woman with tremendous talents fought valiantly with a disease, refused to become defeated by it, and succeeded in affecting the life of every person present here today. If the purpose of life is to make a difference, then my mother, Diana, fulfilled her purpose. I loved her and admired her. I will miss her tremendously. I am proud to be known as her son."

Reid shuffled back to his seat. He'd already spent all his tears. Now he was just overwhelmingly tired.

After the chaplain said a final few words, the gathering broke up. Reid planned to remain in Las Vegas to handle some legal details and go through his mother's things. There hadn't been room for all that much at Bennington, but she did have a substantial collection of books and the many journals she'd kept all her life. JJ was hesitant to leave Reid alone so soon after his loss, but he insisted she go with the team. Henry was due home from New Orleans in two days and, as Reid reminded her, probably needed to see his mother just as much as she needed to see him. And so, with a final hug, she made him promise to come and visit with Henry as soon as he got back to Virginia.

* * *

At the hotel, Reid opened one of his mother's boxes and simply stared at the journals. He'd never been privy to them before, and didn't know how he felt about it now. It seemed like an invasion of privacy, even though his mother was gone…but it also seemed like, perhaps, a final gift from mother to son.

Gently, he took out an early journal. It looked like she'd started writing in high school, and had kept with it as often as she felt well enough…..and, judging from some of the later journal entries, even when she hadn't felt well at all. The early entries were full of the hopes, wishes, plans and dreams typical of youth. They reflected a healthy Diana that Reid had never really known, and he found himself mourning the loss of the person he'd never met. The ongoing grief and fatigue won out, and he fell asleep, dreaming of the young woman who had not yet met her demons.

Reid awakened to the ringing of his phone. Checking the caller ID, he answered groggily, "Good morning, JJ. What's up?"

"Well, not you, I guess. Sorry, Spence, I thought I was taking the time difference into account. It sounds like I woke you."

"I think it all just caught up with me and I crashed last night. I'm actually glad you called. I needed to get up. What's going on?"

"Nothing, I just wanted to check on you. I felt bad leaving you alone out there. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, JJ, thanks. I was just reading through some of my mom's journals last night. Today I meet with an estate lawyer-not that there's much of an estate-and then I'll head home tomorrow. "

JJ heard something in his voice. "Are you okay….you know, with reading the journals?"

He hadn't planned to bring it up, but was glad of the opportunity to verbalize his reactions. "I feel like I'm meeting a whole new person, like I'm meeting who she really was…or was meant to be…..until the schizophrenia hit her. And it's just strange, because she seems _sort of_ like the person I knew, and sort of not. I don't know how to feel about that. I mean, I am who I am because of who she was, you know? But maybe she wasn't really meant to be the person I ended up knowing."

"I know it's not quite what you're talking about, Spence, but don't you think that's true of all of us? Aren't we all shaped by _all_ of the experiences of our lives? So maybe she was _really_ both the person you're reading about and the person you remember."

There was a pause, and then, "JJ, I think I need some coffee before continuing this conversation any further."

That made her laugh. "Too heavy, too early in the morning, even for Dr. Spencer Reid! Listen, Spence, I just wanted to say hi…and to remind you that you have a standing invitation to come and see Henry…and me….when you get back. Henry gets home in the morning. I can't wait!"

Reid was smiling. "Neither can I. Can I take you guys to breakfast on Saturday?"

"As long as it's chocolate chip pancakes, I think Henry will be happy. We'll see you then. Spence? Take care of yourself, please."

"Will do, ma'am. Thanks, JJ. I really do appreciate…..everything."


	2. Chapter 2

**Echoes**

**Chapter 2**

Reid shipped most of the materials home, but reserved a few journals for the plane ride. He could easily have finished all of them within a day, but found he wanted to immerse himself in them, to luxuriate in the words of his mother. He took his time and pondered as he read.

This journal dealt with his early years. Although she'd never fully recovered from interrupting her meds, his mother had only gradually deteriorated into the state of needing full time care, having both good days and bad days. At this point, his father was still in the home. He gathered that these entries had been written some months after the Riley Jenkins episode. He noticed that Diana had not been journaling during the Riley Jenkins period, perhaps too distraught to take pen to paper.

He read, "Spencer is five today. He seems so much older, sometimes I forget he is just a little boy. His intellect has become advanced far beyond his maturity. While I am immensely grateful for his gifts, I fear for him. Being different is so very difficult, especially for a child. Today, he came home crying because a classmate called him 'four eyes'….at the same time that he was able to explain to the classmate how his glasses were correcting his refractive error and astigmatism! Today, I was able to make it all right with cookies and milk. But I fear harder times will be ahead for my precious boy. Bullies only become bigger and more vicious. I pray for the wisdom to know how to help him with each challenge he faces. Please teach me how to shape him and form him to be the person he is called to be. I believe he's been gifted for a purpose, and I pray that I can help him to find it."

Reid was reflective. His mother had never been overtly religious, at least not to his memory. And this despite religiosity being a part of the symptom complex of many schizophrenics. Yet, in her journals, he'd been finding evidence of a strong faith in something…or Someone. Had his mother lost that faith with her illness? He'd grown up without a system of belief in something greater, had studied the bible as an interesting text with historical roots. Since his experience with Tobias Henkel, and his "death" of several minutes, he'd questioned that upbringing. He'd been finding himself nudged toward a faith that he'd never expected to have. And now he was learning that it was part of the "real" Diana as well. He felt a new level of connection with her.

At the same time, he grieved for both his mother and himself. The bullying had only gotten worse with age, so much worse. And his mother was not granted her prayer to be able to help him with it….hadn't even been fully oriented when it happened. She'd been denied her wish…..and he had been denied the comfort he had so desperately needed . What part of that was deserving of faith?

Reading through these journals was proving to be more emotionally…..and spiritually….taxing than he had expected. This was uncharted territory for Reid, and he felt like he needed a guide. His thoughts turned in a particular direction….

* * *

When he returned to the BAU, Reid was called into Hotch's office, even as he got off the elevator.

"Reid, again, I'm sorry for your loss. If you don't feel you're ready to return at this point, we will all understand."

"Hotch, thank you. But I think work is the best thing for me right now. I'm actually looking forward to digging into the pile of files on my desk, believe it or not."

"Trust me, I've been there, and I completely understand. Work is therapy."

"It is, for me. Hotch, thank you….and all of the team…..for everything that you did. I really didn't expect you to be at the memorial service, but I was very glad that you came,"

"I don't think you could have kept us away. Prentiss was ready to commandeer the plane if we hadn't been granted permission to stop in Vegas on the way back."

Rossi poked his head in with a "glad to have you back," and continued on to his office.

Reid received hugs from Emily and Garcia on his way to his desk, along with a handshake and backslap from Morgan. Emily noticed him looking around for JJ.

"She's taken the day off. Henry's coming back from New Orleans."

When Reid looked surprised that she knew about that, Emily added, "She told all of us at the memorial. She said she realized that we probably all needed to know that she was single parenting now, since it might affect her availability."

He punched in JJ's number on his phone. "Hi Spence, sorry I'm not there for your first day back. This was Henry's first time away, and I felt like I needed to be there to pick him up." She had a sense he'd be looking for her.

"Of course, JJ. I should have thought of that myself. How did he do?"

"I'll let you know in a little bit…..his plane hasn't landed yet. I'm ridiculously nervous about seeing my own son."

"You'll be fine, you're a great mom."

"How are _you_ doing, Spence? Are you able to sleep?"

"I think I'm beginning to catch up on that. I'm still reading through my mom's journals." And, with an openness that surprised even himself, added, "I feel like I need to process it. Maybe I could talk with you about it?"

He couldn't see the surprised smile on her face. "Of course, Spence. Are we still on for breakfast tomorrow? Maybe we can talk afterwards. Henry will have to nap some time." Even through the phone, she could sense that Diana's death had unlocked something in her son.

"Absolutely. I'll be there at eight. I know a place that makes the best chocolate chip pancakes in town."

" _Really._ What kids have you been hanging out with?"

"Kids?"

* * *

Male bonding over chocolate chip pancakes was a sight to behold. Especially when the four year old male covered his pancakes in hot fudge sauce…and washed it down with hot chocolate.

"Mommy, can we go out to breakfast with Uncle Spence every day?"

A glare from JJ stopped Reid from giving his "Sure."

Instead, he offered, "Well, Henry, this is considered a power breakfast. Men only have it on special occasions…like when they've got some serious monkey bars to climb."

Henry may have been only four, but he was no fool. He recognized the implications of that statement.

"Yay! We're going to the park!"

"We can go to the park, Henry, but you are not to be on the monkey bars without one of us right beside you," said Mother Bear JJ.

Reid had been a frequent visitor to her home, especially after Emily's "death". And while he'd come for comfort, he'd also always made it a point to spend time with his godson. But that time had always been spent in reading together, building things or doing magic tricks. Now, she found herself touched by Spence's determination to fill in for Will by being more physical with Henry….and simultaneously terrified that the two of them would get into trouble together. Reid seemed to have a knack for that too.

* * *

With Reid's help, JJ convinced Henry that the slide was the most adventurous item he needed to explore at the park. Returning home around noon, they had a light lunch and then JJ put an exhausted Henry down for a nap.

"I think he wore me out today," she said, falling onto the sofa next to Reid. "I might have to take a nap as well."

"I can leave you alone, JJ, if you want to rest." Reid had that awkward look to him as he started to rise.

JJ pulled him back down. "No, Spence, I didn't really mean that. Besides, I thought you wanted to talk."

Wanting to talk and being able to do so were two very different things. Reid was almost sorry he'd said anything to her before. He'd been more courageous over the phone, lost that courage in her presence. Removed from the cocoon of that time surrounding his mother's death, the intimacy didn't feel as natural as it had. He started to fall back into an old pattern of distance, not really believing that anyone could be interested in his private thoughts and feelings.

"It's okay, JJ. You're tired and you've got a lot on your plate. I don't need to bother you." He started to rise again.

JJ knew him too well. She recognized the shield he was erecting between them and became determined to break it down. "Spencer Reid, you sit right back down here. I told you, you are a part of my family now. Families share things. Spence, you shared your mother with me, you shared _her death_ with me. Can't you share yourself with me? "

Chagrined, Reid looked at the floor. Slowly, he sat back down. "I'm sorry, JJ. I'm just not used to this."

"Well, get used to it." When JJ took his hand, she felt Reid stiffen…..and then forcibly relax himself. She was touched. Physical contact didn't come naturally to him, but he was obviously determined to make the effort to change. "Spence, it's just me. I'm not going to bite. You're going through something and I want to help. Tell me about the journals. And about how you feel."

He leaned back into the sofa, still allowing her his hand. Leaning his head back, he closed his eyes and began. "I don't know how I feel." Opening his eyes to look at her briefly, he said, "that's why I need you."

Continuing, he found it easier to speak without making eye contact. "The journals….I've gotten as far as my fifth birthday. All along she's having good days and bad days, and gradually more bad days than good. I recognize the bad times, because they were most of what I lived with as a boy. But the good days…."

He shook his head slowly. "I wish I'd known her that way. I wish I could remember those things. I feel like I'm meeting my mother for the first time. And I feel like meeting my "real" mother is changing me….or at least challenging me to think about who I might have become if she hadn't been ill. But I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. JJ, I've never been so confused in my life."

JJ wondered if he was struggling to find a self that had been buried in layers of fallout from his childhood. She supposed that was true of everyone, but knew that Reid carried heavier layers than most. Briefly, she flashed on how Henry might be affected by decisions she was making during _his_ childhood.

"Spence, I can't pretend to know what it's like to be dealing with all of this. But I do know that I think enough of the person you _have_ become to have chosen you as a role model for my son, to be his godfather. Maybe things would have been different for you if your mother had been healthy…but that's not what happened. Maybe it was all the hardship you endured that made you so strong. Maybe that's what helped you get past what happened with Tobias Henkel and," shaking her head and looking away, "what happened afterwards."

He'd never thought of himself as being strong….in fact, had viewed the whole Tobias Henkel incident as a sign of his weakness. Was especially ashamed of having fallen into the weakness of addiction. He was sure JJ knew that, and yet…

"You don't believe me, do you, Spence? About being strong, I mean. I'm not talking about kicking down doors like Morgan. I'm talking about strength of character. You were driven into an addiction by a madman. You brought yourself out of it by the strength of your own will. _That's_ the person that Diana Reid shaped. _That's_ the person I want my son to know. And if that person came about because of Diana's illness, then I will be thankful for it."

Reid finally looked at her. He figured he had to be strong enough to do that, at least. "I didn't know you thought about it that way. I've always felt like I'd failed you….like I'd failed the whole team."

"No, Spence, you didn't fail us. You _taugh_ t us."

JJ hadn't realized the depth of pain that Reid still held about that until she saw the look of relief and gratitude on his face. "JJ, I…."

They were interrupted by a little blond bundle of comic relief. Reid raised his eyebrows in a look that said, _"How can he have slept for less than an hour and have all that energy?"_ And JJ, smiling, shrugged.

"Uncle Spence, you're still here!" Henry launched himself at Reid. "Wanna wrestle?"

Reid looked his trepidation at JJ. "Wrestle?"

"You know, roll around on the floor. He loves it when his dad does it with him." JJ choked down an unexpected sob at that. This was too new. She was only just beginning to realize all of the holes Henry might have in his life now that she and Will were separated. And given her conversation with Reid, she wondered how they would impact her son.

Reid saw JJ's emotional flash and decided he needed to learn to wrestle. So he laid his lanky body on the floor and caught Henry around his middle. The answering giggle told him he'd done exactly the right thing. Reid found it surprisingly natural to be able to roll and toss Henry about while still protecting him from smacking his head on anything. He found himself joining Henry in laughter.

JJ watched both of them with fondness…..and gratitude to Reid for trying so hard to fill in. He actually looked like he was enjoying himself.

When the match broke up for some cookies and milk, Reid settled himself back on the couch. He felt something he couldn't remember feeling before. He mused that, in the course of his life, he'd experienced enjoyment, amusement, excitement…but today, just now with Henry, he'd had _fun._


	3. Chapter 3

**Echoes**

**Chapter 3**

"Uncle Spence," Henry's little voice almost sounded like a chipmunk through the phone. "Can you come over and play today? Mommy says you had fun with me yesterday. She said you might be sad, but you weren't sad, were you, Uncle Spence? Mommy says I'm good for you. Can you come over?"

JJ grabbed the phone from him. She'd taught him how to dial 911 and a few other programmed numbers, but she didn't realize he'd take it upon himself to start making calls. And leave it to a four year old to divulge their private conversation. She made a note to herself to watch what she said in front of her son.

"Hi, Spence. I'm sorry, I didn't realize he had the phone. Yet another object I need to put where exploring little hands can't find it. Anyway, I'm so sorry we bothered you. "

Reid was chuckling. "I can't remember a nicer wake up call than the one I just got. But can I take a rain check for today? I don't have any food in the house and I need to get laundry done….you know."

She also knew that he needed more alone time than most, but would never use that as an excuse. "Of course, Spence, I didn't really mean for him to monopolize your time. Maybe we can plan for something next weekend. He'll be fine-it will give him something to look forward to."

Reid remembered something Henry had said. "JJ, what did he mean about me being sad?"

"Oh, I'd told him you might seem a little sad when he saw you yesterday, because your mom had gone away. I should have planned ahead on that, because it ended up being a whole discussion about how people go to heaven and we don't see them again for a long, long time. And I hadn't quite prepared myself, so I don't know how well it went. We've never lost anyone close before, so Henry has had no experience with it." She paused. "He may ask you some questions about it, Spence. Be forewarned. I'm sorry if that makes things difficult."

"Not to worry, JJ. I'm not sure I understand the whole thing myself. Maybe Henry can teach me something."

"He teaches me more and more every day. Sometimes lessons I didn't know I needed to learn," she mused. "Anyway, relax today and I'll see you tomorrow. Unless you're in the mood for chili dogs, which is what we're having tonight."

"Mmm, tempting. We'll see. Thanks, JJ. Bye."

Reid spent the bulk of the day accomplishing his chores, but found time to visit the journals again. He'd virtually fast forwarded through his time in high school because those memories were already too fresh and raw, and he hadn't wanted to relive them. But before that he'd found himself stopping at the point where his father had left them. After all these years, he still couldn't understand how William Reid had thought he could leave an eleven year old boy living alone with a mentally ill parent. That one decision had so shaped his life. He hoped his mother's journal entries could offer some insight.

He turned a page that looked deformed, as though it had once been wet. He noticed the scattered distribution of the changes in the paper-and was struck with a mental image of his mother's tears falling on the page.

"'Lost time'. Whoever created that term didn't know about journaling. Today, I am feeling almost myself. And I'm wondering where the past few weeks have gone. Until I open this journal. There, I find the answer. The fury visible in the depth of the pen strokes, the fear in the shakiness of the letters. This other woman I become when my mind fails….I know her only through what she writes. And it is so full of sickness, and suspicion, and venom. How can that be me? Please, God, take this away from me. Please, take it away from my son. Spencer must be so confused, so hurt by who I become. How can a child live with this?"

At the same time that he felt devastated by her despair, Reid found himself admiring the quality of the writing. She might have been an accomplished author, had her mind remained intact. He was beginning to feel as though his own personality was split, between the grieving son and the dispassionate reader.

"William is gone. I can't believe he left me alone with a child. Or, really, that he left a child alone with me. Today _must_ be a good day for me if I can actually realize the folly of that. I love Spencer with all my heart. I find I can't let him go at the same time that I realize I _must_ let him go. But William has told me he can't care for a child, and he can't care for me. How do I protect Spencer from that?"

Reid found an old anger growing within. The adult Spencer was feeling protective of the child he'd been.

"How does a parent reject his own child? How do I keep Spencer from feeling he is not worthy of his father's love? Especially when my journal tells me that he's been lacking in mine as well? Am I asking a young child to raise himself? How do I make sense of all of this?"

Reid felt a deep bond with his mother there. _Mom, even with all of my degrees and experience, I don't think I'll ever understand it._ Meeting up with his father again during the Riley Jenkins case had done nothing to shed light on his behavior.

Moving forward a little bit, Reid encountered his mother in a dilemma. "The school called child services. One of Spencer's teachers realized he'd been forging my signature on his report cards and permission slips. Apparently they called and I wasn't coherent. Today they made an "unannounced visit"….and it was one of my good days! Spencer was very nervous around them. He made every effort to make our life seem normal. I can tell he's terrified he'll be taken away. On this kind of day, when my mind is clear, I wonder if that wouldn't be best for him. Having a mother like me must be so frightening. And yet he doesn't want to leave me. I am beginning to realize that it is not himself for whom he is afraid, but me. He feels like he needs to be here to take care of me. My God, what did I do to deserve so much love from my son?"

He'd never realized she'd understood so much. Her "clear days", as she called them, had become fewer and less lasting as her illness evolved. And with that devolution, her insight as to his needs dissolved. There was no more talk of reaching out to child services, no more journaling about the need to care for Spencer. There were fewer coherent entries and more that reflected her paranoia and psychosis.

Reid had never realized she'd considered "saving" him. He'd only known her need, and _his_ need to fill it. He couldn't help but wonder how his life would have been different…how _he_ would have been different, if he had lived with someone else. And then fell back into what was becoming a crisis of identity for him.

Reading on, he found the emotional turmoil of that time was returning. He knew he needed to take a break from the journals. As much as he loved his mother, delving into the way her mind worked was taking an almost physical toll on him.

It was easy to know what he needed to move away _from_. It took him more time to realize what he was feeling drawn _to._ Amazingly….because it had never been his forte…he realized he needed a "kid fix". He needed to be around Henry. To be around an embodiment of unconditional love and joy and enthusiasm. And, just maybe, he needed JJ. And then he felt a sudden craving for a chili dog… He picked up his phone.


	4. Chapter 4

Echoes

Chapter 4

Monday morning brought them a new case from Milwaukee. There was a possible serial who may have been operating for over a decade. A fresh female body had recently been discovered and, nearby, the remains of two others, also women, possibly dead as long as twelve years. There was very little else known, as the police had only now begun their investigation. They were being called in because of the recent killing, but were concerned about the paucity of information. They might have been called prematurely.

As they prepared to head for the plane, JJ approached Reid. "How is your leg?"

"You mean, from Henry giving me the "Hulk Hogan" routine?"

She laughed. "The very thing…..I was hoping he'd at least feel bad about it, but he thinks he's the next big thing to hit the WWE. I told Will I didn't want him watching that stuff."

"Well, I'm not limping, so I guess I'm okay." Teasing her, he added, "You know, maybe you could skip the whole college tuition thing. I hear wrestling is big money….."

She punched his arm. "Stop! Cease and desist! Do not put that into my son's head. I thought you were supposed to get him into Cal Tech!"

"For my little man, nothing is too good. Cal Tech it is." There was something she loved about hearing Spence call Henry "my little man".

She thought back to the night before. Henry had, indeed, asked Spence about his mother being in heaven. Spence had given JJ a wide-eyed "Help me!" look…..but then gone ahead and answered Henry himself.

"That's right, Henry. My mom was very sick…..and the doctors weren't able to make her better. " He saw the four year old concern on Henry's face and was touched when Henry laid a little hand on his arm to comfort him. Reid sought to reassure his godson with, "Mostly that only happens when people get old, Henry. It wouldn't happen to your mom." Henry looked content with that. "So God took my mom to heaven to live there. And when she got there, she was healthy again. She could do anything she wanted, just like when she was a young girl. She could laugh, and play and have fun."

Henry wasn't the only one smiling at that. Even as he'd said it, Reid found his own comfort in the image. JJ was looking through tears at both of them.

"I can't wait to go to heaven, Uncle Spence. Will you come with me?"

* * *

 

On the plane, with no further information forthcoming, they each busied themselves.

JJ was reviewing some paper consults. She'd noticed that Reid had carried one of his mother's journals on board with him, and stole a few looks in his direction as he read. Last night, after Henry had been put to bed, Reid had shared with JJ a little about what he'd been reading. She'd noticed him visibly suppressing his emotions about it, obviously afraid of being overcome. As much as he was reaching out to her, he still didn't know how to let go. And he clearly didn't want to be divulging any of it to the rest of the team. So she was a bit concerned to see that he'd brought a journal on board the plane. And not at all surprised when she saw the emotion surface.

As she watched him, JJ saw Reid go pale and turn to the window as his lips began to tremble. He started biting his lower lip in what she thought was an effort to keep himself from crying. She got up and moved to the seat next to him.

"What?" she asked.

Silent, he replied by handing her the journal.

"Spence, I don't know that I should be reading these."

He didn't trust himself to speak. He looked at her, and then pointed at the entry. She followed his direction, and read.

"Someone, please, help me! There's a man in my house, I don't know him, he frightens me! He won't leave me alone! He claims he's my son! Help me! I don't have a son! Help me, please, help me!"

JJ's stunned eyes looked at Reid. He'd closed his own eyes and was barely holding himself together. She looked down and read on to the next few days' entries. Eventually found one that broke her heart…..and, she was sure, had broken Reid's.

"Today is the worst day of my life. Today my son, my heart, has betrayed me. He's rejected me, had me taken from my home. The son who I thought loved me, has erased me from his life. I have no reason to have a life of my own any longer. I want to die."

Now JJ was pale. Poor Spence. As much as she'd tried to imagine it, she'd had no idea what he'd lived through. She prayed she'd be able to support him through this, knowing that he wasn't about to share it with anyone else.

It clearly wouldn't be possible to discuss this on the plane, so she gave him a surreptitious squeeze of his hand and looked her love to him as earnestly as she could.

"Let me hold on to this for now, okay?", she said, referring to the journal.

His eyes were wet, but no tears were falling. He nodded his assent. He needed to be removed from it for a while.

* * *

 

Upon landing, Hotch sent Reid and Morgan to the dump site, and Rossi and Prentiss to the newest victim's home. He joined JJ at the police station to set up.

JJ was reminded of how skilled a profiler Hotch was when he asked, without any other reference, "Is he all right?"

She gave him a steady look. "I've got him. He'll be okay."

That was enough for the unit-chief-of-few-words. JJ hoped she was right.

* * *

 

The day proved to be frustratingly long. Victimology was limited because the identity of the older remains had not yet been determined. The fresh victim been identified, but had never been reported missing. It seemed she was in her first year of teaching the second grade, newly moved from Racine. The dump site was half under water with a heavy spring rain. The team adjourned to their hotel in the early evening, hoping for a more fruitful day tomorrow.

"Hi Henry! Mommy misses you so much!" JJ told him after Garcia handed him the phone. They'd worked it out that Henry would do as many overnights as possible with Garcia whenever JJ had to be away. His preschool and a long time sitter would suffice during the days.

"Mommy! Did you know? I caught a frog today!"

"Wonderful, Henry. But I hope you let him go again."

"Miss Amy said I couldn't bring him in the classroom. So I played with him and then he hopped away. I think he wanted to go play with the other frogs."

"Right you are, Buddy. Are you having a good time with Auntie Penelope?"

"She's letting me play a game on the computer….and I'm winning!"

"Good for you! When you finish this game, I want you to brush your teeth and then go to bed. I'll ask Auntie Penelope to read you a story…..unless you want me to 'read' you Little Star?"

"Both, Mommy. Little Star and Auntie Penelope." The kid should be in sales, JJ thought.

"All right, please put her on the phone."

"Hi,Jayje. Don't worry about a thing, we're having a great time. How's the case going? I know I wasn't able to provide much info."

"Thanks, Pen. You know how much I appreciate this. The case isn't going so well. We're at a bit of a standstill. If something doesn't break tomorrow, I think Hotch may decide to bring us home and have them call us back out when they're further into the investigation. I know he doesn't like doing that, but he also needs to be accountable for how we use our time. I definitely don't envy him that part of his job."

"You and me both. Here's your little four year old funny bunny, ready for his story."

After she'd 'read' to him, JJ said her good nights. Alone in her room, she missed her son acutely. She wondered again if she'd done the right thing separating from Will. She'd never wanted for Henry to have a fragmented family. Yet something deep inside told her that was exactly what he would have had if she and Will had stayed together. Or maybe, not fragmented…..but definitely not whole.

The subject matter turned her thoughts to Reid. They hadn't had an opportunity to talk alone after arriving in Milwaukee, and she was sure he needed it. She knocked at his door, but received no answer. He might just not feel like company. But JJ went with her intuition and decided to call his cell. His answer on the first ring told her he needed her. But, typically, hadn't called her.

"I'm in the lounge, in front of the fireplace. I was freezing in my room."

JJ wasn't sure if it was the cold spring rain or Reid's state of mind that was affecting him. She went down and found him on a sofa, in front of a blazing gas fire. Soft jazz played in a nearly empty lounge behind him.

She sat next to him, drawing her knees up and wrapping both arms around them. Without preamble, he said, "Stupid."

She looked a question at him.

Shaking his head disgustedly, "It was stupid of me to bring that on the plane. I should have known better."

"Well, you have probably made better decisions."

"I lived through it, I didn't think reading about it would affect me so much."

JJ thought for a while, and then thought she knew how to explain. "When I was serving as our unit liaison, I walked with families through some of the worst days of their lives. I think being with them in their crises made them feel a little bonded to me. Some of them stayed in touch afterwards. And every one of those families told me that it got so much harder, more overwhelming, after everything was over…..even when we'd given them a good outcome. One of them told me what it was like. They said that, when they were in the crisis, it was like they could only see a few feet….or a few minutes….in front of them. They just kept putting one foot in front of the other, taking one step at a time, not knowing where they would end up, but trying desperately to hold on. When it was all over, they were able to see the whole of it, to take the whole thing in at once….and that, the whole of it, was overwhelming. "

She paused to let him think. "I wonder if that's what happened to you today. You took in the whole of it, from a completely different perspective from the young man you were."

He was quiet for a while, listening to the jazz, comfortable with her in front of the fire.

"She didn't know me…..didn't even know who I was. She was so afraid. And so was I." He shifted in his seat. "And when she did recognize me again, she hated me. I had to get help for her, JJ, I couldn't let her live like that. I couldn't live like that."

"Spence, remember what she told you just before she died….. that you'd done the right thing. And when you look at the journal again," she'd read a bit more of it in her room, "I think you'll see that she forgave you even then. She really did understand, and she thought you were right."

He took a moment to absorb that, flashed her grateful eyes.

"I still wish there had been another way…I wish it had all been different." He drew himself up. "It's getting late, I should probably let you get some sleep. Did you talk with Henry?"

"He asked for a good night kiss over the phone and," with a twinkle in her eye, "wanted me to give one to Uncle Spence too."

Uncle Spence's ears turned bright red. And then so did his cheek, when the good night kiss was delivered.

He gave his shy half smile and said goodnight. "And keep the journal for now, JJ, please. I think I should concentrate on the case."

"No journal for you until we get home. On the plane, we only play gin."

"Why is it always gin, with you?"

"I once beat a genius at gin!"


	5. Chapter 5

**Echoes**

**Chapter 5**

By the following morning, one of the older victims had been identified through a prioritized DNA match. The team gathered in the conference room at the precinct. JJ took notice that Reid looked better rested than he had in a long while, and was very glad she'd taken possession of the journal.

Rossi noted an obvious connection between the two identified victims. "Both of these women were fairly new to Milwaukee. And they both disappeared within six months of arrival."

Morgan added, "Victim number one….the older one….was reported missing by her parents when she failed to make her weekly phone call. That happened twelve years ago. The police couldn't get a solid lead. She'd worked at a local clinic as a medical assistant, had few other connections. As far as they could tell, there was no boyfriend."

JJ contributed, "The fresh victim wasn't reported missing, but the police think that is because the school she taught at was on break. They did locate her parents, but found they weren't close enough with her to have been in communication."

"So she could have been missing for a long time before they would have noticed," concluded Emily.

Garcia was on speaker. "I couldn't find any prior connections between them. The teacher went to college, the medical assistant to a training program. They were from different parts of the state, didn't seem to know each other before."

"Guys," Reid interjected, looking at the case board, "look at their photos….the background looks similar in both. When were these photos taken?"

" _Where_ were they taken?" added Rossi.

No one knew how the police had obtained the photos, so JJ left to get their detective partner.

Hotch pressed, "What do you think you're seeing, Reid?"

"It looks like a building, and there's a sign with writing, but I can't make out what it says. Garcia, if we scan them and send them to you, do you think you can run a digital analysis of the photos?"

"It depends on their quality, but I will try to provide a minor miracle."

Reid left to take care of getting the pictures to Garcia.

JJ came back with Detective Miller. He explained, "We got the pictures of the newer victim from her cell phone. The older one we got from her parents, overnight."

He snorted, "Here I was, impressed that we'd gotten the photo overnight, and we didn't even notice the similarity. I guess that's why we need you."

Hotch reassured him, as he made it a point to do with every police force, on every case. "You would have noticed it eventually. It's part of our job to look at each case with fresh eyes." And being able to support the local law enforcement with such finesse was another huge part of his job.

Morgan started them through the usual steps. "The first victim was killed long before the second came to Milwaukee and they came from different areas, so it's unlikely they knew each other."

Prentiss took it up. "Could the teacher have gone to the clinic where the medical assistant worked?"

"Garcia, look into that, please," requested Hotch.

"Could they have had something else in common, maybe a hobby, or a book club, or a fitness center?" continued Rossi.

"Or a church, or a spa, or even a favorite store," contributed JJ.

"We have a winner, Crimefighters," came through the speakerphone. Or _almost_ a winner. Whoever came up with the book club idea was close. The photos were taken in front of the city library."

"I'm not sure that's helpful," said JJ. "Photos in front of a public building, taken maybe twelve years apart?"

Reid had rejoined them. "But they're taken at almost the identical angle, from an almost identical spot. It _could_ be coincidence, but something tells me that it's not."

The team had learned a long time ago to pay attention to Reid's intuition. His mind was such that even _he_ couldn't always describe all of the connections, but he was certain when they were there.

Hotch was decisive. "All right, Reid and Prentiss, head to the library. JJ, Rossi, contact the first victim's family. Morgan and I will go to the employment sites."

* * *

Emily let Reid drive, which required an act of will on her part. She studied him as he did.

"How are you doing?"

He was concentrating. Having a genius IQ meant having a mind that went a mile a minute, which didn't always leave room for paying attention to street signs, or other drivers, or directions. But he knew what she meant.

"I'm okay." He stole a sideways look at her. Emily always could read him like a book. "I've been reading through my mother's journals. It's been a little challenging."

Emily kept a steady gaze on him. "I imagine it _would_ be." She'd noticed his emotional stress, despite his attempts to mask it. "Do you want to talk about it?"

He admitted, "JJ's been helping me. She's a pretty good sounding board."

Emily turned her head so he couldn't see her smile. "Yes, she would definitely be that." She turned back to him. "I'm glad you have her."

Before he could consider what he was saying, he responded. "So am I."

* * *

Rossi decided to pump JJ for information. It was, she later reflected, a hazard of the job of working on a team of profilers that there was simply no privacy.

"So, how is Reid doing?"

She stared at him. "He seems to be holding up well, I guess."

"It must be hard to lose a parent when you don't have any other family for support."

He was going to make her say it.

She heaved an internal sigh. "Well, Henry and I have been spending some time with him. I think being with Henry helps him a lot. It's hard to be serious when you're around a four year old."

"And his mother," Rossi thought, almost loudly enough for JJ to hear.

* * *

The clinic proved to be a non-starter. The new victim had never been there, had no connection with it at all. Nor was the new victim's school a possibility. The medical assistant was childless, and had no apparent connection with the teacher's place of employment.

Prentiss and Reid fared better at the library, but only minimally. Both victims had library cards issued to them shortly after they'd arrived in Milwaukee. Prentiss thought to ask about a lending history, but found it had not been computerized twelve years ago. The library was beginning to look like another dead end.

Just as they were preparing to leave, a thought struck Reid. "Wait. What other functions does a library serve?"

Prentiss enumerated, "Well, they obviously lend books, and audiotapes, and videos…"

"And host book discussions and author presentations…." added Reid.

"And organize trips and tours…." Emily was getting excited as she pointed to a poster advertising those items.

Reid supplied, "and maybe you'd take a picture at your starting point before you left on your tour."

They looked at each other. "A tour bus driver!" They reached the conclusion simultaneously.

Emily informed Hotch of their breakthrough, then got Garcia searching for a name. The fact that the original murder had happened twelve years before would make it difficult if the library hadn't been actively using technology at the time.

* * *

"Boys and girls," Garcia said to the team, now gathered back at the station, "we have an unsub. His name is Joel Mather, he is still driving for the local tour bus company, and he is due to go out again this afternoon."

Hotch sent Morgan, Rossi and Prentiss to the bus company's lot. When he left to meet with Detective Miller, JJ and Reid found themselves alone.

"You seem better today, Spence, more yourself."

"I _feel_ better, JJ. I think I slept through the night for the first time in a long time. No small thanks to you."

She smiled at him _. Sunshine_ , he found himself thinking. And then caught himself. _What is going on here?_

He purposely shifted his thoughts….maybe. "Do you think Henry might be interested in a visit to the Air and Space Museum this weekend?"

"It's amazing to me what they learn about in preschool these days. Henry has been telling me all about the moon. I think he would be more than thrilled to touch the moon rocks."

"Then maybe I can pick him up around nine on Saturday morning?" He blushed as he added, "Of course, you're welcome to join us, but if you want to be able to have some time to yourself, I can take him."

"Let's see how the week goes." And each of them contemplated how they _hoped_ it went.

* * *

Sometimes cases end in an anticlimactic way. Morgan, Rossi and Prentiss had no difficulty finding and apprehending their unsub. They were even gifted with a set of souvenir photos of his victims…all five of them. Knowing the police would take over in searching for the remaining victims, the team headed back to Quantico.

On the plane, Morgan found himself sitting next to Reid.

"Hey, Kid, how are you doing?"

"I'm okay, I guess."

"I'm really sorry about your mother. If you want to talk or anything…."

"Thanks, Morgan. I really appreciate everything you all did for me, and for her. I never expected the whole team to come to the memorial. Thank you."

"If there's anything you need…."

"I know, I only have to ask. And that feels good. But I think I'm okay….."

"As long as you have what you need." _Or_ who _you need_ , Morgan, the profiler, thought, but did not say.


	6. Chapter 6

**Echoes**

**Chapter 6**

Over the next couple of weeks, life settled into something of a routine for Reid. He'd had routine before, but it had always been solitary. Now he factored in his time with Henry, staying true to his promise to JJ to be a presence in Henry's life. And he found his own life brightened by the presence of both of them.

Reid's time alone was spent with his mother, via her journals. He knew most of the highly labile time was behind him, but also knew that she'd been unable to string together enough good days to ever consider living outside Bennington. He expected he'd see that reflected in her writing.

"Spencer has a new job, he tells me. One that will take him far away from me. I can't help but wonder if that was the point. But he seems enthused, and tells me he'll be helping people, so a large part of me is very proud of him."

Followed by the very next day's entry: "Spencer…a spy! He's working for the government. All through his childhood I tried to warn him about this, I tried to protect him. And now they have him! Somebody help us!"

The one comfort Reid had about entries like this one was the knowledge that his mother stayed in her paranoia for only short periods of time while she was at Bennington. That was a drastic improvement over the months she'd stay in it when he was growing up with her.

"Spencer has been sending me letters. I get one nearly every day. He's been describing his co-workers. His superior, Gideon…I don't know whether he is a good thing or a bad thing in Spencer's life. Spencer seems to see him as a role model. But there's subtext to what he writes that tells me Gideon could be unstable and maybe even dangerous…and this job is already far more dangerous than I ever wanted for my son. I find myself grateful for the man named Hotchner. As Spencer describes him, he is more level headed and reliable."

Reid wondered at his mother's insight. It had taken him a long time to get past how Gideon had been and how he had left them. For all of the mentoring Gideon had given the young profiler, the more mature Reid realized it might not always have been a healthy thing. And somehow his mother had perceived that, from the beginning, via his letters.

"There is another man on the team, Morgan, whom Spencer seems to admire. His letters refer to the many pieces of advice he receives from Morgan, on everything from how to handle a case to how to 'pick up girls'! I think he sees Morgan as a big brother or something of that sort. Is my boy growing up? I've never thought of him wanting to pick up girls."

Reid found himself smiling. He knew that Morgan was actually teaching him how to get the girls in the bar to listen to him long enough to help him identify a suspect….but he _had_ actually ended up meeting a girl…

Diana's journal entry ended with, "There are two women in his office as well. Or three, if you count the computer girl, but she doesn't seem to travel with them. The one woman, Elle, seems a bit hardened, though Spencer seems to like her. The other one, he calls her JJ, is almost as young as he is. Spencer seems to think she is very sweet. I believe he even asked her out on a date…..my boy! I did always tell him, 'when you're ready, the right girl will come along'. I wonder if he is starting to look for that girl. I wonder if he thinks this JJ is she."

Even though he was alone, Reid found himself blushing at that. The "date" had been anything but. More like JJ humoring a very immature Reid in his bungling attempt to bring her to a sporting event he knew nothing about. She was entirely sweet about it, but neither of them had contemplated a second date. The more mature Reid was wondering what might have happened if their first date had taken place now. And then rueing the thought. He'd once had a crush on JJ, but had put it aside to build a friendship. Which he very much wanted to preserve. He needed to get his mind to behave itself. "Good luck with that," his emotions told him.

Saved by the phone. "Uncle Spence! Guess what! We're having 'Special Persons Day' at school on Saturday. Can you come, Uncle Spence? And Auntie Penelope too! You're my special persons!"

Reid was touched. "Henry, I can't think of anything I'd rather do. Can you put your mom on the phone so she can tell me where and when?"

"Sure, Uncle Spence." Reid heard the phone hit the ground and little feet running. "Mommy! Uncle Spence wants you."

Moments later, "Hi Spence. I guess it didn't occur to him to bring the phone to me…..he's just all excited about 'Special Persons Day'. He wanted to be the one to invite you and Garcia. Can you make it? It's Saturday at 10 at his preschool. They're putting on a little show for everyone."

"Wouldn't miss it. I don't think I've seen a school pageant since I was in one…..and I was only in the one, before they moved me up and out of elementary school. What about Will? Your parents?"

"Will, believe it or not, has gone undercover on a case. I gave him a hard time about that, considering how dangerous he thinks _my_ job is. But it sounded like an important one for him, so I can't ride him too much. My parents are on a cruise…timing is everything, I guess."

"Well, godmother and godfather will have to suffice then."

"You and Garcia do much more than 'suffice'. You're the family he really knows."

"And we both love him. Although I think Garcia is ahead of me in the 'spoiling' department."

"Let's keep it that way, okay? He values your time more than anything else….we both do."

"And I value his," adding, very softly, "and yours."

* * *

Fortunately, Saturday found the team in town and well rested. The crowd at the preschool was much larger than Reid expected, seemingly full of grandparents and aunts and uncles. He spotted JJ's wave and made his way over to her. Henry was excitedly talking with Garcia about the array of desserts that would be available after the program. "And Mommy made brownies!"

"And Henry ate one when Mommy wasn't looking" provided JJ.

The offender didn't look at all abashed. "It was good, mmm."

Reid laughed and pulled a quarter from Henry's ear. He knew that was always good for a squeal, and he wasn't disappointed. "Hi, Henry. Ready for your show?"

"It'll be great, Uncle Spence, just wait and see. We've been practicing and practicing…."

His teacher called the class together, and the adults found seats in the audience, JJ sitting between Garcia and Reid. The short program started with a poem recited by the class, then moved through some of the classic preschool songs like 'Wheels on the Bus' and 'Bingo'. It concluded with a photo montage of the special persons the kids had invited. Reid didn't realize JJ had taken the photo of himself that he saw projected on the screen. It seemed to have been taken at her house, and showed him with Henry on his lap, reading. Reid's face was animated, as though he was acting out the story. The boy was looking up at him, rapt admiration on his face. The picture captured perfectly how Reid felt about Henry, and hoped Henry felt about him. He looked at JJ in thanks, and she squeezed his hand in reply. None of which was lost on Garcia, the technical analyst. And she greatly approved.

* * *

After Henry had a chance to feast on some more brownies, the group headed back to JJ's home for lunch. Henry's sugar high came crashing down, and Reid carried him in to his bed for a nap. Garcia was opening a one act play that evening, so begged off early.

"I tried to get Derek to come, but he was tied up. If we're still running next week, why don't you two come and see it?" She was fairly sure Reid would never get around to asking JJ out, so she thought she would do it for him.

"If I can get a sitter," JJ said.

When Reid started to offer to babysit so JJ could go, Garcia gave him a subtle kick. His 'what did I do' look turned quickly to an 'oh, I get it' look when he saw Garcia glaring at him with her eyebrows raised. He added quickly, "Or maybe we could drop him off with Hotch and Jack." Garcia gave an exaggerated nod of approval.

"Give my love to Henry. See you guys on Monday."

Settling into the living room, JJ asked Reid about the journals.

"You seem less disturbed about them than you did before. Have they gotten easier?"

He was nodding. "She still has her good days and bad days, but they're not as dramatic and they're short lived, thank God." He told her about Diana's initial impressions of the team, leaving out her comments about his date with JJ.

"Before I left home this morning, I was reading about the time I thought she was in danger and had her flown to Quantico. When we had the unsub who thought he was the Fisher King….the one who shot Elle."

They both reflected silently for a moment. Although it had been a number of years since either had heard from her, they were still affected by the thought of one of their team being attacked in her own home.

"Poor Mom was terrified to fly. I didn't even think about that when I asked them to bring her to us. I was just thinking that she was in danger, and I needed to make her safe. She was scared, and furious with me. She makes that very clear in her journal."

JJ recalled, "I remember being so confused that this stranger who was in our conference room turned out to be your mother. And she helped us solve the case! But when we talked in Las Vegas…..when she was in the hospital….she had no memory of meeting me."

"That was part of the illness. All through my childhood, she would forget who people were…..not just like when she didn't recognize _me_ at all, that was the worst of it. But every day she would meet someone and then, if she met them again the next day, she'd have forgotten who they were. She got good at covering it up, but the problem never went away."

"So how did she remember the Fisher King?"

"I've wondered about that myself. But I think it was because she recognized his voice, and wasn't looking at his face." He was shaking his head. "It's so strange. People think that treated schizophrenics don't hear voices, but they're wrong. They just learn to deal with them, and become strong enough to do it. I think my mother was especially sensitive to voices because she needed to pay attention to sorting out which to listen to and which to ignore."

JJ was silent for a while. She'd never considered the full extent of Diana's illness. Doing so now made her admire Reid's mother more than she ever had. Aloud, she said, "She must have been so very strong to have done all she did. Especially at the end…."

Reid took it up. "Especially at the end, when she was off her meds and the voices were no doubt starting to crowd her again." He looked at JJ. "I always loved my mother, JJ…..but I've never admired her more than when I look back at how she stood up to her illness, how she went through those final days. It's probably a strange thing to say, considering, but I think I am a very lucky man to have had her for a mother."

Sitting next to him on the sofa, JJ took his hand. She was surprised at how easily Reid gave it now. They were becoming increasingly comfortable with one another, and he no longer eschewed physical contact…..at least with her.

"You _are_ a very lucky man, Spencer Reid. And your mother was blessed with having a son who was willing to look past her symptoms to see the woman beneath. I can only hope Henry loves me enough one day to see past all of my faults."

"You don't have any faults, JJ." It was out before he realized he'd said it.

She gave him her raised eyebrows as she left to get Henry up from his nap.


	7. Chapter 7

**Echoes**

**Chapter 7**

"I've got a sitter for Saturday night," JJ announced to Garcia.

"Great! It starts at 8. Since the place is so small, you two might want to get there pretty early to find decent seats."

"I haven't actually checked with Spence to see if he still wants to go."

"Trust me," Garcia said, "he wants to go."

* * *

 

They were called out on Wednesday to a case involving children. The police in Maine had identified similarities in two recent abductions. The first had been thought to be a family dispute, but the thinking changed when the second occurred.

This time, Reid left the journals home. But his thoughts were with him. On the plane, he couldn't help ruminating about what he'd read the evening before. It had started simply enough, but had become rapidly disturbing.

"Spencer writes that he has a new member of his team, a woman named Emily. The other woman, Elle, the one who seemed so troubled, has left them. Spencer didn't say why, but I get the sense that something happened, maybe something he doesn't want me to know about. He thinks he protects me when he doesn't share the danger he's in, but I can always tell. Mothers always know. He seems to like this Emily. He says she's highly intelligent, multilingual and shares some of his more esoteric interests. It's nice to know he's got a kindred soul as a colleague on his team."

Reid couldn't help but agree with her. He couldn't exactly describe his relationship with Emily, but knew he treasured it. He must have written about his growing friendship with Garcia as well, because his mother commented on it in her journal entry.

As he'd continued his reading last night, he'd noticed his mother's handwriting change abruptly, becoming almost frantic.

"Something's wrong. It's never been more than a day or two between Spencer's letters. This one took almost a week to arrive, and when it did, it said almost nothing….except between the lines. His last letter came from Georgia. He'd been with his friends at a Super Bowl celebration, although I doubt he was actually watching a football game, when they were called away. And then, nothing….for days. This letter came from Quantico. All he says is "everything's fine." I don't think it's paranoia when something really _is_   wrong. I think it's maternal instinct. And I worry all the more because he's not telling me."

He hated to remember that time of his life…..and yet, he couldn't afford to forget it. He'd been beaten and drugged by a mentally ill unsub, killed the man and then fallen into an addiction. Maintaining his hard won sobriety was paramount, and for that, he _needed_   to remember. He'd been so out of it, he hadn't even thought to write to his mother, until Garcia mentioned it in passing. She was the only member of the team with whom he'd shared that habit. When finally he took pen to paper, his mind had refused to grant him the words. And now he realized that his mother had picked up on that immediately.

Pages later, he read, "My son is sick. I don't know what's wrong with him. Is it wrong to pray for a physical illness? Because I fear it is not physical. He has a sickness of his mind, or his heart…..I can't tell which. His letters convey a depression, almost a disgust for himself, that alarms me. He won't take my calls. I was so upset yesterday that Dr. Norman agreed to look at the letters. They worried him as well. He helped me call Spencer's superior, Agent Hotchner. "

Reid's blood pressure fell at that revelation. He hadn't known anything about this at all. He had become aware that the team was worried about him, but had no idea how widespread the concern had been. He was embarrassed to think he might have been a subject of much discussion.

"Agent Hotchner was kind, but not informative. He would say only that Spencer had not been well, but would be getting the help he needed. How cryptic! The secrecy of the government in action. God, if you are still out there, please help my boy. He needs the kind of support I can no longer give him. Please, take care of him for me."

_I think maybe He did, Mom_. Reid could still vividly recall his out of body experience during his time of captivity, and the burgeoning faith that resulted. He'd relied upon that when he'd battled his addiction, and was rewarded with success.

* * *

 

Upon their arrival to Maine, Hotch sent Morgan and Reid to the school both nine-year-old boys had attended, while he and JJ, Rossi and Prentiss each paired up to meet with one of the families at the police precinct.

"You look like this is getting to you a little more than usual, Kid. What's up?"

Reid was about to shrug it off, but then considered that Morgan might be right.

"I guess I'm relating to it a little more personally now. I've been spending a lot of time with Henry. I can't imagine how it would be if anything happened to him."

"Yeah, they say once you have a kid, nothing is ever the same again. Let's see if we can get a good outcome for these parents."

Reid was about to point out that he didn't actually 'have a kid', but stopped himself. He didn't think he could feel any more connected to Henry if he'd actually been his own.

They met with the principal, the school nurse and the kids' teachers. None were aware of any issues at school or home, and all thought both kids had seemed happy.

That didn't sit right with Reid. "Weren't we told the police were investigating the first case as an intrafamilial incident?"

"Yep, we were. Something's not holding together here. Let's head back to the station. I hope they've had better luck than we have."

They had. Or at least Prentiss and Rossi had. The first child abducted, Daniel, did indeed have some family issues, but they'd never been shared with his school. His biological father had resurfaced after having abandoned him at birth. Neither Daniel nor his school had been aware that his "father" was actually his stepfather. The second boy, Andrew, had an intact family, and Hotch and JJ were unable to elicit any helpful information.

Aware that, in child abductions, every second counts, the team was getting frustrated.

"Garcia,", Hotch ordered, "we need _something_. Look at sex offender registries, look at reports of runaways. Go back six months and give us anything within a 25 mile radius."

Reid was busy at the maps, plotting the boys' homes, schools, and possible abduction sites.

"Maybe add in any places they frequented…ball parks, video arcades."

 JJ left to get the interview transcripts for that information.

"You know," Prentiss began, "since we have the issue of that bio dad showing up, add his location in. And maybe the grandparents as well."

As more and more information was charted on the maps, they became less and less readable to the team…..all except for Reid. He was in his element. But he still wasn't finding what he needed.

"Do we have the grandparent locations for Andrew?" Hotch had a hunch, courtesy of his experience as a parent.

"I don't think we got that information. I'll speak with them." Rossi left to find the family in another conference room.

JJ was curious. "Hotch, what are you thinking?"

"Let me get that information first. I don't want to confuse the situation if I'm wrong."

With Rossi's return, Reid marked the locations for both sets of grandparents for both boys. He saw the connection at the same time as Hotch.

"Andrew's maternal grandparents live in the same adult housing development as Daniel's paternal grandparents. They may very well know each other," Reid observed.

"Hotch?" Prentiss wanted his opinion.

"I think this might very well have a family connection. What if Daniel _was_ abducted by his biological father? And what if Andrew was taken as a companion for him?"

Rossi was nodding. "You may be on to something there. Daniel's dad might have known about Andrew through the grandparents. If you're right, the good news is that we'll probably find them alive…..but only if we find them before he starts to get desperate."

"Hotch," Morgan asked, "what made you think of it?"

"It's what I would have wanted for Jack…..a friend."

* * *

 

When they got back to Quantico, JJ invited Reid home for dinner with herself and Henry. Especially after cases involving children, she felt a need to snuggle her son, and she realized that Reid was beginning to feel the same way.

"Those poor grandparents. They had no idea what had gone on with their son and their grandson. Thank God they cooperated in showing us that camper by the lake." JJ was decompressing as she made dinner.

"And thank God both boys were okay. I don't know how parents cope with these kinds of things." Reid had interrupted his playing with Henry to join her in putting together a salad.

JJ smiled. "You really are starting to feel it, aren't you?"

"Feel what?"

"Some serious Henry-love. I can see it."

"That's nothing new. The little guy stole my heart a long time ago."

And then said 'little guy' joined them in the kitchen, demanding attention.

"Mommy, pick a card, any card."

"I guess I don't have to ask what you and Uncle Spence were up to."

* * *

Henry was a little wound up after dinner, excited about having his family home from their case. By the time he went down, both JJ and Spence were too exhausted to move from the couch.

She sensed he'd stayed because he had something on his mind.

"Are you okay?"

"JJ, I need to ask you about something."

She was curious. "Okay, shoot."

He knew this would be a sensitive topic between them, and was a little hesitant.

"Back after Tobias Hankel…..back when I was…using dilaudid," he'd been looking away but flashed briefly to meet her eyes, "was anyone hurt in any way because of me?"

She was taken aback. "What brought this on?"

"I was reading my mom's journal about that time. She could tell even from my letters that something was wrong. She even called Hotch."

Watching at her reaction, he could tell that she hadn't known about that either. Their unit chief really _was_   able to keep a secret.

"I realize I must have been more out of it than I thought. I know I've apologized to everyone before, but I never really knew if I'd done anything…bad."

She shook her head. "There was nothing horrible, Spence. We just all hurt for you because you were so clearly not yourself."  

She paused for a long moment, and shifted to face him. There was something that had been bothering her for a long time as well. She caught his gaze and held it.

"Spence, I'm so, so sorry about not telling you about Emily." As he put his hand up to stop her, she insisted, "No, let me finish. It was wrong of me. I knew you were hurting, and I _should_   have thought about the dilaudid."

Now he did interrupt her. "No, JJ. Of course I wish you'd been able to tell me. But please don't ever think my temptations are your fault. What I do or don't do is, and will always be, my responsibility. It was unfair of me to lay that on you. _I'm_ the one who's sorry."

She teared up. "Can we both be sorry?" Heaving a sigh, she added, "Do you know what a weight has just come off my shoulders? I'm so glad we talked about this, finally, Spence."

"Me too." Followed by a huge yawn.

"You're exhausted. I can make up the guest room for you if you're too tired to drive. We'll throw your go bag clothes in the laundry and you can have them for the morning."

As tempting as that was, Reid knew he needed to go….for a host of reasons.

"Thanks, JJ, but I think I'll be okay. I don't want to wear out my welcome."

"Well, all right.  But don't forget about Saturday night!"

That got a grin. "Wouldn't miss it for the world."


	8. Chapter

**Echoes**

**Chapter 8**

Promptly at 6:30 on Saturday evening, Henry ran to the door to let their visitor in.

"You smell nice, Uncle Spence! Are you wearing perfume?"

JJ entered the room laughing. "Men wear aftershave, Henry. Ladies wear perfume."

She took stock of her 'date'. Reid never exactly dressed down, so it was hard to say when he was dressed _up_ , but she was pretty sure he seemed a little more spiffy tonight. And Reid, looking at JJ, thought, as he usually did, _beautiful._

"Spence, this is Karen, Henry's favorite sitter. Karen, this is Spencer Reid, Henry's godfather and my best friend. We work together at the FBI."

After greeting Reid, Karen reminded JJ that she had a morning obligation, so couldn't stay late.  

"That's fine, Karen. It's only a one act play, and we'll come home right after."

JJ stole a glance at Reid. She had a feeling he might have had other plans for after the show, but it couldn't be helped.

If he was disappointed, he didn't let it slip. "Madam, your carriage awaits. And a surprise," he added with a sly grin. They each kissed Henry goodbye and goodnight and headed out.

JJ's surprise was waiting at the curb. The "Reidmobile", as Morgan called it, was infamous for its dense layering of books, coffee cups and assorted papers and pens, making it difficult to find a seat. They all thought that was Reid's way of making sure he didn't have to drive. Tonight, it was spotless. Except for the cup Reid had been drinking on the way over.

JJ looked at him with a startled, open-mouthed smile. "I'm impressed! And honored, if this was for me."

"Nothing's too good for my godson's mother."

She wrinkled her face. "Why does that sound like a backhanded compliment?"

* * *

 

As they headed into DC, Reid asked about Henry. "How's he doing without having Will at home?"

A frown crossed JJ's face. "You must be psychic." She shook her head. "We'd been making it work with phone calls and skype, but with Will apparently gone under cover now, we haven't heard from him for a week. Last night Henry had a complete melt down.  He just misses his dad so . He cried himself to sleep….and I think I did too. "

She saw Reid's concerned look and responded to it. "It's nothing. I know in my head I'm doing the right thing-and even most of my heart. But there's always a little nugget of doubt about what it will do to Henry."

"I'm so sorry, JJ."

She touched his arm. "I know you've been as present as you possibly can be, Spence, and I appreciate it more than I can ever say. Henry idolizes you, you know. Everything is "Uncle Spence this" and "Uncle Spence that". But it doesn't stop him missing Will."

"I had no idea. He seemed okay tonight."

"Four year olds are a little psychotic, Spence….they have rapid mood swings." They both laughed at that. "But they are also very resilient. He woke up completely back to normal."

"And how about his mother?" Reid was worried about her.

"I'm okay. It's always therapeutic to have a good cry." After a pause, she added, "I just love my little guy so much, I don't want to do anything that hurts him. But with this, with Will and me, there's no right answer. I just have to choose what I think will hurt him _less."_

* * *

 

They'd arrived to the small theater in an older area of DC, lucky to have found street parking only a few blocks away. The walk from the car had been silent, each lost in their own thoughts. Several times Reid thought to take JJ's hand, and each time found himself holding back. Given their conversation, he wasn't sure it would be proper.

Entering the building, Reid swept JJ in front of him with a hand to the small of her back….and felt an immediate jolt of electricity. She tilted her head to look up at him and gave him a smile that told him she'd felt it too.

This had never happened to him before. His mind immediately went into overdrive.

_What was that? How could this be? Was that an emotion or something physical? How does it happen? Is it electromagnetic? Chemical? Pheromones?_

Sometimes even _he_ wanted his mind to stop rambling and shut up….because while it was busy, JJ had gone on ahead and he had to rush to catch up with her. He was almost afraid to touch her again, and simply followed her into the theater.

Garcia had been right, the place was tiny. They found seats center stage, three rows up. For the next hour, they were engrossed in the dark comedy. Or at least JJ was engrossed. Reid was having trouble focusing. But he paid enough attention to be able to see that Garcia was rocking her role. They found her afterwards.

"Pen, you were great!" JJ greeted her with a kiss.

"Yeah, I think you stole the show." Reid offered his own buss on her cheek.

Garcia eyed them. They were rapidly becoming her favorite couple…..even if they weren't actually a couple….. _or,_ she thought, _even if they just haven't figured it out yet_. "I'm so glad you guys came… and that you liked it. Thanks!"

She noticed Reid seemed even a little more awkward than usual. "Do you want to get a drink? Or do you have plans?"  Hoping they did.

"Oh, Garcia, I wish we could. But my sitter has to have an early night, so we've got to get back."

Garcia started to understand the look on Reid's face. She sent him waves of sympathy. "Of course, I understand. Well, I'm still psyched you came."

"We wouldn't have missed it, Garcia. Thanks for inviting us. You were wonderful." Despite his sometimes unfortunate lapses of sensitivity, Reid always made an effort to be gracious.

* * *

 There was a chilly rain falling when they left the theater, prompting a mad dash for the car. JJ shivered as she waited for the heat to come on. "Did you have a good time?"

"I did. I was hoping for a longer evening, but this was fun."

She was surprised. She'd been able to tell he had other plans, but never expected him to say anything.

"Well, you don't have to leave right away, do you?"

She smiled at the grin on his face.

* * *

 

When they got home, Karen told them Henry had gone to bed without a problem, but made her promise to tell them he'd beaten her at checkers…..twice!

"Aha! Clearly it's time for some chess lessons!" Reid was recovered enough to be planning his next play date with Henry. He agreed to stay while JJ brought Karen home.

JJ found an inviting cup of hot chocolate awaiting her when she returned. She'd been thinking wine, but hot chocolate would do. "In that case, why don't I turn on the gas fire?"

If he hadn't been thinking of this evening as a date, Reid would have been comfortable sitting silently with JJ in front of the roaring flame. But somehow the designation changed everything. He was nervous, uncomfortable in his own skin, and decidedly ill at ease. And he didn't like that at all. If this was the dating process, he'd just as soon stick to friendship. He was feeling like a stranger with his best friend, and couldn't see how that could possibly be a good thing.

JJ, being more experienced with the whole dating thing, decided to help him out. It hadn't been an official date before tonight, and it didn't need to be one now. And even though she found herself a little disappointed, she was also sympathetic. She resumed their ongoing conversation as though there had been no interruption.

"How are the journals going?" She was sitting on the sofa, legs curled beneath her. With Spence stretched out on the floor, leaning back on the sofa, she couldn't see his face.

He didn't know whether to be relieved or disturbed. On the one hand, this was something to break the awkward silence. On the other….he'd been having a difficult time with the journals.

"Well, they're going, I guess. Mom keeps referring to my letters. There were so many of them, I guess that shouldn't be a surprise. But her reactions are unpredictable."

Something made him laugh. JJ touched his shoulder to ask what it was.

"Somehow I must have described Rossi as a legend, and that prompted a whole week's worth of entries about Elvis. I guess she was a fan. I hadn't remembered that…" His voice trailed off with the recollection.

"What happened when you weren't able to write to her?" She was thinking about those times he'd been sick, or injured….or captive.

"I always managed to cover. Told her we'd been working around the clock, or that I couldn't get to a post office. She caught me on one thing, though." He turned to face JJ, and decided to join her on the sofa.

"I already told you she'd figured something was wrong with the whole Tobias Hankel thing…..and after." No matter how much reassurance he'd received from JJ, Reid would always be chagrined at that. "And I couldn't tell her about the anthrax infection."

JJ turned her head so he wouldn't see the tears that had come so quickly to her eyes. She'd never told him, but Garcia had played for her the recording Reid had made for his mother. She squelched a sudden desire to hug him.

"But when I got shot in the knee…I was busted. I wasn't going to tell her, but the recovery took so long, I couldn't hide it. I was still on a cane when I went on leave. I tried to tell her it was a sprain, but she broke me down with her 'mothers can always tell.' How _do_ they always know, JJ?"

"Kid radar." And then, "I remember that time, Spence. You never said a word, yet I could see pain on your face every time you tried to walk. I felt so bad for you, but you seemed to want to minimize it, not to draw attention to yourself."

"Hotch had lost his family, JJ. Twice. First, to go into hiding, and then to that bastard Foyet. My problems were nothing compared with his. I didn't want to be a distraction."

She shifted to look directly at him. "Well, for the record, _that's_ the kind of selflessness that got you the title of 'godfather'. You're a hero in my book, Spence. With far more courage than you're willing to admit to. And that's what I want for my Henry one day."

It was hard to see his blush in the dim light of the fire. Unaccustomed to the praise, he sought to change the subject by getting back to the journals.

"Today I was reading her entries about the time we were in Vegas….when I was having those dreams."

"Right before Henry was born. I remember."

"I was so sure my father had something to do with the murder of that kid, Riley Jenkins. And I made my mother so upset with my questions…"

She noticed his voice trailing off as he stared into the fire. She touched his shoulder again. "What?"

"Do you know what she did, JJ? She went off her meds. She _voluntarily_ went off her meds so she could remember…..so she could help me. She knew it would mean relapsing, being frightened by her voices again, going through med withdrawal. And she did it anyway. Her journal from that time changes from her expressing worry about me to her \ ranting about being spied on and being poisoned. She _knew_   that would happen, and she did it anyway." He looked at her. " _She_ was _my_ hero."

His voice broke at that last. And now JJ did reach her arms around him.

"I feel so privileged to have spent that time with her in the hospital, Spence. She was an amazing woman. So I'm not surprised she had such an amazing son."

He smiled at her and hugged her back. "I'm glad you got to meet her too…..and that she got to know you."

JJ knew there was one relationship Reid had never repaired. "Do her journals say anything more about your dad? It seems like she must have had some good will towards him if she tried to help prove his innocence."

Reid was bitter. "My dad. The man who left us alone to fend for ourselves, an eleven year old boy and a mentally ill, frightened woman. No, she had nothing really good to say about him. She was pretty clear that she'd helped exonerate him only because of me."

"Does he know she died?"

"I asked the lawyer to let him know. That was a couple of months ago now, and I've heard nothing from him. I was feeling hurt when I was eleven, now I'm just angry."

JJ was quiet for a long while. Reid couldn't quite read the expression on her face until, finally, she spoke.

"When I was eleven, my sister left. She gave me her necklace, told me she loved me, and left….me, my family, the world." She raised teary eyes to him. "I would give everything to see her again."

JJ's vulnerability broke down Reid's defenses. He put his arm around her, and she laid her head on his shoulder. And the two former eleven year olds sat together in front of the fire, contemplating in silence how they'd been formed by those who'd loved them, and left them.


	9. Chapter 9

**Echoes**

**Chapter 9**

Thinking back to the night before, Reid found himself with mixed feelings and a growing dilemma. Going into it, he'd been eagerly anticipating the outing, hoping he'd know how to conduct himself in 'date mode', fearing that he would not, and dreading the consequences. Above all, he valued his friendship with JJ and was determined to do nothing to threaten it. He'd had a taste of life without her when they'd had their rift over Emily's 'death' and he didn't want to taste it again. During that time, ironically, he'd needed his best friend…to get him through the loss of his best friend. _Never again,_ he'd promised himself.

So he knew that trying to take things further with her might be risky, especially since it was now clear to him that he didn't have any idea how to go about it. If it didn't go well, he might lose her from his life altogether. But there was something, something deep inside him, that wouldn't let it go. He was doing his best to try to beat it down, but it kept coming after him. Last night, when they'd both given up on the dating thing and settled back into their usual relationship, the sharing had become as it usually was…easy,….. and honest…..and deep. _Why isn't that enough?_

He was getting more and more comfortable with physical contact….a feeling he'd had to acquire as an adult, given what his early life was like. Last night JJ had even fallen asleep for a little while with her head on his chest. As he'd sat there with his arm around her, feeling the weight of her, he'd felt more content than ever before in his life. Henry's padding out from his bedroom looking for a glass of water had disturbed their moment, but it had also made Reid think, _this is family life_. And he'd begun to want it.

There was something his mother had written in her journal when she'd had a period of clarity. It was when she'd gone off her meds so she could regain enough memory to help her son understand that his father was not a criminal. She'd realized it was the first time Spencer's 'family' had been together since his childhood, and it had made her reflect on how his lack of a real family had affected him.

"Today, Spencer saw his father and mother together for the first time since he was a young child. How could we have done that to him? In my clearer moments, I've often wondered how a child could survive without even the façade of a family, however lacking in function. My boy was physically abandoned by one parent and mentally by the other. How could he have survived? And yet he did. He's grown into a brilliant, dedicated young man…..but he's alone. I wonder about his view of the world, of people. Does he seek out relationships? Does he fear them? Does he fail at them? Does he try? Why couldn't we have taught him about family?"

There was poignancy there. _You did teach me, Mom. You and I had our moments, even if you couldn't remember them._ And the days surrounding her death had deepened the most significant relationship he had, with JJ. It was a gift Diana would never even know she'd given.

The journal entry had continued. "William is weak. I can't blame him for leaving me. I became someone he no longer knew, someone he could no longer love. But I cannot forgive him for leaving Spencer, who never did anything but offer him love and adoration. And who then mourned him when he was gone. When he was old enough to understand we'd both been abandoned, Spencer had nothing but contempt for his father. I blame William for that….for teaching our son that contempt is an acceptable emotion in a family. And so, today, when we were all three together again, I swallowed my own feelings and offered William my support. Not for his sake, but for Spencer's. I want my son to have some inkling of how a family is _supposed_ to be."

He remembered that day. Remembered asking his father to explain why he'd left, and why he'd never come back. Remembered not finding the explanation acceptable. Vowed never to put his own needs and insecurities before those of a child. Couldn't even imagine doing it to Henry. Was grateful beyond words for his mother's efforts.

He knew from her earlier journals, those written before she'd become ill, that Diana had once harbored dreams of a household full of happy, noisy children and a loving husband. But those dreams had become distant memories as her mind began to fail her, and then faded entirely. He mourned that loss for her, as she could never do for herself.

* * *

 

"Uncle Spence!" Henry's calls were becoming a regular thing, and Reid welcomed them. "Me and Mommy are going to the park tomorrow. Wanna come?"

Over the past few weeks, Reid had been a little more reserved around JJ. His internal struggle about their relationship was taking a bit of an external toll. She was sensitive to his discomfort surrounding their failed date, but didn't realize the battle going on within. Hoping it was a temporary situation, she allowed him some of the distance he seemed to be needing, but she didn't keep Henry from reaching out to his godfather.

"Henry! How's my Little Man?" Reid knew Henry loved the nickname, especially now that he was the 'man' of the house. "Sorry, Buddy, but I have to work. Especially since your mom took the day off."

Reid knew JJ was planning to take advantage of them being in town for a long stretch by spending the day with her son. He would still miss having her at the office, but knew how much she cherished her time with Henry.

_Just as much as I cherish my time with both of them. So why is this so hard to figure out?_

"Hey, Spence." JJ had come on the phone. "I told him you wouldn't be able to come to the park, but he insisted. " A pause. She decided to try. "How about dinner instead?"

The problem with having an internal battle is that you're always both the winner and the loser. This time, the part of Reid that knew he needed to face the issue defeated the part that was avoiding it.

"That sounds great, JJ. Can I bring anything?" He heard her tell Henry, then heard a loud, "Yay!"

"Just yourself." He thought he heard a smile in her voice. "We're having home-made pizza….Henry's choice. And he would like you to be here to help make it."

"Tell him he's got a deal, as long as there are no anchovies involved. I'll see you tomorrow night." A pause on his part now. "I'm looking forward to it, JJ." And the hint of warmth he felt inside told him he'd done the right thing.

* * *

 

 

_You can be having a lazy afternoon programming, and then the whole world turns upside down_ , she later thought. Somehow there was something frantic even in the way Garcia's cell was ringing.

"Garcia!" she heard the shakiness of JJ's voice. "Something's happened to Henry!  He's hurt!  Please try to track down Will and tell him he needs to come!"

Garcia's adrenalin was pumping already. "JJ, _what_ happened? Tell Will to come _where_?"

"I can't talk now, Garcia. I have to go with him. He's going to Children's National. Please find Will—he's not answering his cell. I think he's on a case."

Garcia started the hunt for Will, but not until after she'd made another call.

* * *

 

JJ stood looking through the window into the darkness outside, seeing only what was in her mind's eye. Henry splayed out on the sidewalk, unconscious and bleeding from his head. Henry being loaded into the ambulance. Henry surrounded by doctors and nurses. The trauma surgeon coming to speak with her, telling her an emergency CT scan would be necessary to assess the damage to his brain.

The hospital room behind her reflected in the window. Her eye caught movement in the doorway.

_Spence._

Their eyes met in the reflecting glass, she seeing the question and concern in his, and he seeing the devastation in hers. She turned to him, searching his face for an answer that wasn't there.

"JJ, what happened? Where's Henry?"

Among the team, JJ had a reputation for remaining cool and calm in the face of crisis. She held her emotions in check when she was in public. She'd often wondered if that was part of what had put the distance between herself and Will. With Spence, who'd become so openly emotional with her, she'd been able to let her guard down a little bit. Tonight it fell completely. She crossed the room to him, so quickly and intently that he found himself opening his arms for her....something that once wouldn't have occurred to him. She fell into him, and he held her.

He could sense she was crying. When she took a breath, he held her away from him a little, so he could see her face.

"JJ, please tell me. Where's Henry? What happened to him? Garcia's message only told me to come to the hospital. Is he all right?"

Brokenly, JJ explained about the accident. How they'd been at the park. How they'd been having a great day. How she'd turned her back for just a second to concentrate on a call about a case she'd been consulting. How Henry had stepped into the bicycle path and been hit by a child speeding along on a dirt bike. How the impact had thrown his little body into the air. How his head had hit the sidewalk. How there'd been so much blood. How the doctor wasn't sure about whether he'd damaged his brain.

Reid was having trouble taking this all in. When he did, he felt like his heart stopped beating. _Not Henry! Not my Little Man!_

Reid found himself clinging to JJ as much as she was to him. He brought her to an oversized chair and sat down with her. "Was he knocked out? Did he lose consciousness?"

She cried, "He never even moved. Didn't cry for me like he's done for every boo-boo of his life. Didn't respond when I called his name, or held his hand."

She put her own hand to her lips, in a futile effort to restrain her sobs. She closed her eyes for a long moment, telling Reid she'd gone far away in her thoughts.

"Where is he now? I thought this was his hospital room."

She looked back to him, breathing deeply to regain her composure. "He's having a CT scan done. They wanted me to wait here." Tearing up again, "This is all my fault, I should have been watching more closely. I should never have turned my back. I shouldn't have been handling work when I was with him. What kind of mother am I?"

Reid shifted closer so he could wrap an arm around her. He could feel her trembling all over.

"You're a mother who loves her son with all her heart. This wasn't your fault. It was just some stupid accident. Henry knows how much you love him. He'll hold on for you."

Reid found himself praying earnestly that he was right.

Minutes seemed to stretch into hours as they waited for news. Reid was at once frightened for Henry and acutely concerned for JJ. He'd never seen her like this. She'd always been the comforter. Now she clearly needed to be comforted, and he was determined to give that to her, no matter his own heartbreak. They waited for what seemed an eternity, he holding her and she seeking solace in his embrace. He could feel her hiccoughing sobs.

Finally, a physician entered the room. Reid and JJ both rose, but he kept his arm firmly around her. She still hadn't stopped trembling.

"Mr. and Mrs. LaMontagne? I'm Dr. Colby. I'm the neurosurgeon who was asked to consult on your son's case."

Reid could feel JJ wilt against him at the word 'neurosurgeon'. She didn't bother to correct the physician's assumption.

"Little Henry suffered a very freak injury. It's almost unheard of to have significant head trauma from a pedestrian/bicycle accident."

This sounded ominous. Reid began silently cursing the denial of his prayer.

"He has a crack in his skull…technically a skull fracture."

JJ latched on to Reid's hand on her shoulder, clenching it tightly.

"Fortunately, his fracture is not depressed. That means it's not pressing in on his brain. And that's very good news. We'll have to watch him very closely tonight, but if things go as we'd like, we may very well be able to send him home in the morning."

Reid prayed his apology for jumping to conclusions. JJ let out the breath she'd been holding.

"Are you saying he'll be all right?"

"As I said, we'll have to watch him very closely overnight. There's always the possibility of brain swelling." Reid felt JJ's grip tighten again. "But it's unlikely. I think if we give him the night, he should be just fine. He'll have a headache, and he might be groggy for a while, but I have every reason to believe he'll make a full recovery."

For a brief moment, she couldn't speak. "Thank you, thank you so much, Doctor Colby." JJ breathed out, "And thank God." She leaned into Reid as he drew her closer.

Dr. Colby left after telling them, "We'll be bringing him back from CT scan momentarily. You're encouraged to spend the night with him here. That chair is a pull out bed."  Hies eyes moved from one to the other as he told them, "I'm afraid we've only the one."

Reid pulled JJ all the way into his arms and they held each other tightly for a few moments. When they parted, JJ said, "Thank God Garcia called you. I don't think I could have gone through this alone. And it's not even over yet."

"You're still shaking. Come on, sit here and rest until Henry gets back to the room. Do you want me to get you some water?"

"Just stay with me, please. I need you to stay with me."

Somewhere, in the back of his mind, Reid processed that. He already knew how much _he_ needed _her_. Now she was declaring _her_ need for _him_. He could feel a certain resolve taking place deep within.

JJ looked at him hesitantly. "I don't want to impose, but…..Spence, can you stay with us tonight? I can sleep with Henry and you can have the chair bed. I'd feel so much better if you were here."

"Just try and keep me away." Hoping to see a smile. "Has anyone called Will?"

"I was too upset, so Garcia was calling him for me." She gave him the smile he wanted. "I should try his cell again. I need to let him know that Henry's going to be all right---or at least I hope he is."

As she did, Reid stepped aside to call Garcia with the update.

"Oh, my God, Reid! I was frantic. My little guy! Thank God he's okay. You tell him Auntie Penelope is on her way as soon as we close up shop here. And I'll probably have the others with me as well."

"He's not back in his room yet, Garcia, and I don't know that he'll be up to a lot of visitors. So maybe just his godmother should come….."

"Oh, righto…I suppose balloons and candy wouldn't be in order either?"

"Maybe when we get him home…..which will, hopefully, be tomorrow."

Silently, Garcia took note of the "we".

Shortly, an aide wheeled Henry's stretcher into the room, accompanied by his nurse. Despite their talk with the doctor, neither JJ nor Reid were prepared for the sight. Henry lay motionless, eyes closed, head bandaged, with clumps of blond hair peeking out above and below the dressing. JJ gasped and looked her question at the nurse.

"He was sedated for the CT scan. He had begun to stir, and they needed to put him out so they could get a good study. He'll come around soon." The nurse assured her.

Reid nodded their thanks. Henry was transferred to what looked like an enormous bed for his little body. He was attached to an IV line and numerous wires. The nurse explained the need to monitor his vital signs carefully via their electronic equipment.

JJ sat beside Henry on the bed. Her hand automatically went to his head, intending to pat him and smooth down his hair….and then she realized she shouldn't touch it. She settled on holding his hand, rubbing it gently in hers. Reid stood behind her, hands on her shoulders. The trembling was easing, but not gone.

After what seemed a long time, but was probably only a few minutes, Henry stirred. JJ started to call his name and, very gradually, he opened his eyes to her.

"Mooommmyyyy," came out very slowly. JJ laughed and cried at the same time. She turned briefly to Reid and squeezed his hand.

"Hi, Baby. How do you feel?"

"My head hurts, Mommy."

"I know, Sweetheart. We'll get you some medicine to make it feel better." The nurse was coming with acetaminophen. "Uncle Spence is here, Henry."

The 'little man' tried hard to rouse himself. "Uncle Spence…." He actually managed a smile…..an effort that prompted Reid's eyes to fill.

"I'm here, Henry." Reid went to the other side of the bed and took Henry's other hand. "I guess you had a little accident, huh?"

"No, Uncle Spence, I was playing in the park."

JJ asked him, "Henry, do you remember what happened?"

"What do you mean, Mommy?" He was gradually becoming more alert.

"You had a little accident with somebody riding a bike. They bumped into you and you fell and hit your head. That's why it hurts."

"Oh. Where are we, Mommy?"

Reid took that one. "We're in a hospital that takes care of children who are sick, or who have accidents. They make them all better. Just like they're making you better, Little Man."

Henry wasn't so sure about that. He'd heard of hospitals before and thought he might get a needle. "Can we go home now, Mommy?"

"Actually, we're going to stay here tonight so they can make sure you're really all better. And then we can probably go home tomorrow, the doctor said."

"Are _all_ of us going to stay here tonight, Mommy? You and me and Uncle Spence too?"

"All of us, Buddy."

"Yay, a sleepover!" Now he was fully alert.

Reid's phone sounded. He put Garcia on speaker.

"How's my favorite godson?"

"Hi Auntie Penelope!"

"Oh, thank God, Henry, you're all right. How's my boy?"

"We're having a sleepover, me and Mommy and Uncle Spence. Want to come?"

"Thanks, baby, but I think I'll just come and visit. JJ, Reid, everybody here sends their love and prayers. I'll be on my way soon. I'm going to stop and pick up some food. You must be starving."

Neither had given a thought to food, but both were grateful for the offer. Garcia rang off.

Henry's energy was waning just as quickly as it had waxed. JJ lay down in the bed next to him and closed her eyes. "The chair is all yours," she nodded to Reid.

Just then the nurse came in to check Henry's vitals. Not everything could be done by machine.

"Mrs. LaMontagne, I'm afraid we can't have you sleeping in the bed with Henry. We'll be needing access to him from both sides to check on him through the night."

JJ and Reid shrugged at each other. They'd figure something out.

* * *

 

Later that evening, when Garcia arrived with the food, she found all three of her loved ones asleep. Henry was in his too-big bed, looking pathetic enough to cause her to sniffle. Reid sat in the oversized chair, his long legs splayed out in front of him. JJ was curled up beside him, her head on a pillow in his lap. Every so often Garcia could see Reid, presumably asleep, absently run his fingers through JJ's hair.

Penelope left the food on a table and blew each of them a kiss goodnight.

* * *

 

Reid noticed the absence of JJ's warmth even before he opened his eyes. When he roused himself, he saw her sitting again at the side of Henry's bed, staring silently at her son.

It had been a restless night for all of them, with hourly checks by the nurses. But Henry had come through it with all signs pointing to discharge today.

"He's okay, JJ."

"I know, I just need to look at him."

Reid joined her at the bedside and she clasped his hand. "Thank you….for being here with us…with me."

He held her with a steady gaze. "I wouldn't have been anywhere else, JJ. You know what you both mean to me." A little surprised at the boldness of his own words.

She nodded and gave him a small smile. Tears seemed to be close by still.

Henry began to stir. "Mommy, is it time for breakfast?"

"That's the Henry I know and love," said his very relieved mother.

Now fully roused, Henry was as he always was... an astute spotter of opportunity.  And, besides, he _was_ feeling much better. So he went for it.

"Can we go to the park again today, Mommy? And can Uncle Spence come too?"

Both adults laughed at that. JJ was about to answer when Henry shrieked.

"Daddy!"

Will LaMontagne stood in the doorway. "Henry! How's my little buddy?"

He looked a greeting at JJ and Reid, and explained, "I got the message last night. Caught the first possible flight out. What happened?"

JJ explained. Will was understanding about the circumstances, and very relieved to hear that Henry would be all right. The two parents hugged their son between them.

Reid was decidedly uncomfortable in this situation. Without intending to, he'd begun to think of Will's family as his own.  But what he was watching was a sad reminder that they were not. They belonged to someone else.

Dr. Colby came by on rounds and decided Henry was well enough for discharge. He would need careful watching for the next few days, but that could be done at home.

Henry was beyond excited to have his dad there. "Daddy, are you coming home with us? Will you stay with us?"

Will was gracious enough to look to JJ for permission. She was not about to deny her son anything, and so nodded her assent. Will would come home with them, and he would stay until Henry was completely recovered.

"Yay! Daddy, can we play ball, like we used to? And wrestle? And watch cartoons?"

"Sure thing, little Buddy."

JJ stole a glance at Reid, who was studiously looking out the window. He wouldn't give her his eyes, but she knew what she would have seen in them. His sadness was palpable.

"Mommy, can we have pancakes for breakfast when we get home?"

She was still looking at Reid as she answered. "Sure, sweetheart, anything you want."

"Yay! Uncle Spence, are you coming too?"

Finally Reid turned. Somehow he found his voice. "No, Henry, I think this is a time for you to be with your mom and dad. We'll get together another day."

Four year olds are natural empaths. When Reid walked over to give his godson a farewell hug, Henry reached out with little hands to caress his Uncle Spence's face. He may not have understood the subtext to what was going on, but Henry was somehow moved to offer comfort to his godfather. JJ's eyes were full as she watched. Reid had to swallow before he could speak again.

"Bye, Little Man. You do what your mother says and get better fast, okay?"

When he parted with them at the hospital entrance, Reid felt like he was saying goodbye to much more than a pancake breakfast.


	10. Chapter 10

**Echoes**

**Chapter 10**

_You fool. What were you thinking? And you call yourself a genius. Of course they were never yours to have._

Reid drove home recklessly, paying little attention to the road. His thoughts were consumed with self-reprobation. _Why did you even let the idea cross your mind? Once upon a time, you were content to be alone. Why couldn't you have left it that way? Why did you let yourself start to want something….or someone…or someones….you could never have?_

He was biting his cheeks to hold back tears. He'd been through many losses in his life, but had never felt one so viscerally. He literally felt pain in his heart.

_How does that happen?_

He needed to calm himself, or he'd never make it home in one piece.

_It's all right. You've done life alone before, you're good at it, you can do it again. It will be all right._

But he knew it was a lie. He knew that it had seemed all right before only because he'd never known anything else. Now, having tasted a life in relationship, he thought he might wither and die without it.

Some rational part of Reid knew that it had to be this way. A crisis had occurred, and it was appropriate that the adults put their own needs aside for the sake of the child. They were all doing that. Maybe it wasn't a permanent thing. Maybe he was being too dramatic.

_So why does it feel so much like an ending? Maybe because you're on the outside, not even looking in._

Arriving home, he did his best to resume his usual routine, to pretend it was a normal day. But he couldn't focus on his books or his articles. It was a strange sensation for Reid. He was accustomed to being led by his mind. Now, led by his heart, he couldn't keep his thoughts on his work. They kept going back to images of blonde hair, and chocolate chip pancakes, and chats by the fireside….and holding someone cherished….

The tears came. He had to hold his chest to keep it from coming apart. _I don't know if I_ can _do this again. Please, God, help me. Help me to do the right thing._

The brain that could never shut down observed that it's not actually possible to cry oneself to sleep. The act of crying is too physical. But it _is_ possible to become physically exhausted from weeping. Reid fell into a restless sleep when he reached that point of exhaustion.

* * *

The only good thing about going to work on Monday was that JJ wouldn't be there. She was taking time to be with Henry… _and Will,_ thought Reid. But at least he wouldn't have to deal with how to be around her. She had made three different calls to his cell over the weekend. He hadn't answered any of them. He wasn't ready. But he knew he couldn't avoid her forever.

At one time a very isolated, immature Reid would have become snarky in a circumstance like this. He wasn't proud of that younger, self-centered version, but he understood it. He simply hadn't had any other way to view the world. As he'd developed relationships with the members of his team, as he'd grown in experience, and especially as he'd matured, he'd become more outwardly focused, more sensitive to others. Now, the more mature Reid was determined to handle this situation in a way that wouldn't hurt the others involved. He just didn't have any idea how to go about it.

Last night, after he'd again had to give up on working, he'd turned to his mother's journals, hoping she might have some wisdom for him.

He was coming to the end of them now, approaching the time he'd spent with her in the hospital as she was dying. This earlier entry was about his visit to her after Emily 'died'. He'd gone, not really seeking comfort from her…..he didn't think she had it to offer…..but simply to escape _. Another lost relationship…but found again. And it wasn't at all the same thing….._

After he'd returned to work, Diana wrote, on what must have been a lucid day, "Spencer has gone again. He seemed so much like his younger self…like a lost little boy. He's lost one of his few friendships, with the colleague called 'Emily'. She's died, and he seems so very sad about it. My poor boy, who has never really learned how to have a normal relationship, seems to know only loss. I watched him as he tried to tell me he was all right, with the smile that never quite reached his eyes. I fear he will choose to be alone as a way to avoid losing again."

Reid was amazed at how on target his mother's assessment of him had been. That was _exactly_ how he'd wanted to handle losing Emily. It had taken JJ's reaching out to him, inviting him for comfort, to keep him from isolating himself completely. But this loss, this loss of JJ and Henry…and the idea that he couldn't seek the support of his best friend…was too much altogether _._

_I'm sorry, Mom. I'm just too tired. I can't try any more. I don't have it in me. I'll be all right alone._

* * *

"Hey, Reid." Emily seemed to be taking a measure of his mood as he arrived to the BAU on Monday. He caught the look she exchanged with Morgan and deduced that Garcia had filled the team in on Henry's status and Will's visit. They hadn't exactly been subtle about their knowledge…..and approval….. of his budding relationship with JJ, so he wasn't surprised at their concern. But he was determined to put a good face on it. He wasn't going to become a distraction, and he definitely didn't want to do anything to make JJ uncomfortable. She was simply a mother caring for her son, with his father.

_That's as it should be,_ thought Reid, trying to convince himself.

The morning was slow, a few hours of consults punctuated by a team meeting at which Reid did his best to look attentive, but offered few comments. He resumed his consults immediately afterwards, deflecting Emily's attempts to draw him out. He was pleasant, but superficial.

Garcia tried to entice him to her office with cookies, a lure that usually worked. Reid resisted until Morgan took him by the arm and physically brought him there. "Baby Girl baked for us, Kid. We need to be polite." And then Morgan managed to vanish.

"How's my Junior G man?" Garcia tried opening with humor.

"Fine, Garcia. Hey, these cookies are great." She noticed he'd consumed only a few crumbs. She didn't know it was the first thing he'd eaten in the past two days.

Garcia decided on a direct approach next. "Reid, are you all right?"

"Of course I am. Why wouldn't I be? Henry's going to fully recover, and that's the most important thing."

She kept a steady gaze on him. "You're right, it is. " She changed the subject. "You know, I was over there yesterday. Henry was asking for you." Garnering no response, she continued. "JJ said she'd tried to call you, but didn't get an answer." Still no response. She hadn't actually asked him a question.

Reid was studying one of her computer monitors, so he wouldn't have to make eye contact.

"Reid, I know you're not okay. Please talk to me. Or to Morgan. Or Emily. Or _anybody_. We can see what this is doing to you."

"Penelope, please let me handle things my own way. There is no 'this', and I'm fine."

* * *

They were called out to a case in Austin from Monday night until Wednesday. After a frustrating beginning to the investigation, Reid had been able to decipher a pattern in the notes left by the unsub. His breakthrough led to the unsub's discovery and apprehension, and the final victim was found alive.

Hotch should have been satisfied that his youngest team member was able to function without hindrance. He should have taken it as a sign that he was handling his personal situation well. But, expert profiler that he was, Hotch knew he was watching a masterful attempt at compartmentalizing, which was never a good coping strategy. He approached Reid on the plane.

"Reid, that was good work."

"Thanks." He was becoming a master of the short answer.

"I understand JJ will be coming back to work tomorrow."

"Great."

"You must have been very worried about Henry. I'm glad to hear he's doing well."

"So am I."

"Has Will gone back to New Orleans?"

"I'm not sure."

Hotch gave him his trademark stare. That usually got Reid to squirm enough to offer more information, but nothing was forthcoming this day. When Hotch moved back to his seat, Reid resumed his intense study of the view outside the window.

* * *

The following morning, JJ was greeted with hugs and kisses upon her arrival back to the BAU. Reid gave her a smile, and she returned it, but with a question in her eyes. The others noticed the lack of conversation between the two, but said nothing.

In the bullpen, Emily and Morgan pumped JJ for information about Henry's condition and Will's visit. Although Reid did not actively participate in the conversation, he couldn't help but hear everything that was said. The others noticed JJ's glances in Reid's direction from time to time, and Reid's failure to look anywhere but at his desk. When asked a direct question, he answered pleasantly enough, but offered nothing further.

Internally, he was chattering. _She looks so sad. Did I do that to her? Or maybe she's missing Will. Maybe she's decided she made a mistake separating from him. Maybe she's decided Henry needs him. Henry! My Little Man, I'm so glad you're all right. JJ….JJ..._

He had to stop thinking about it all. Not only would he make himself crazy, but he knew he was having trouble keeping his emotions in check. He needed to think about anything but JJ and Henry. And he simply couldn't do it. His mind had never failed him this way before.

_God, I don't know how I'm going to do this. Please, please help me to do what's right. Help me to make it through this day._

From the conversation around him, Reid learned that Will had returned to New Orleans and Henry to preschool. Absently, Reid wondered if his teammates were being sensitive to him in not asking if there were plans for Will to return.

Reid worked at his desk through lunch. While the others were still out, JJ came back to the bullpen. She approached him hesitantly.

"Spence, hi."

"Hi." He would try to keep it light.

She kept a steady, unreadable gaze on him. "Henry and I have both missed you. How have you been?"

He deflected. "I'm so glad to hear that Henry's doing well. You must be very relieved."

She felt like she was talking with a stranger. Trying again, she told him, "Henry would really love to see you. Do you think you could stop by this weekend?"

He hoped the shakiness he was feeling inside didn't show on the outside. He'd vowed to himself that he would never do anything to hurt Henry. That meant stepping aside for the boy's father…but it also meant being present when needed.

"Sure. Would Saturday afternoon be good?"

That got him a genuine, very relieved grin from JJ. "It would be great. And you can stay for dinner, if you'd like."

"We'll see. I may have to get going."

And her grin evaporated.

* * *

That evening, Reid pulled out his one year medallion. Fingering it, he knew he wasn't in danger of a relapse. He'd moved beyond that kind of solution to his emotional crises. But he needed the reminder of the mantra, "one day at a time." He'd gotten through this first day of seeing JJ again….but just barely. His inner turmoil was relentless. He couldn't shake the longing he had for JJ and Henry but, he kept telling himself, they are another man's family _._ Who would know better than he did what it was like for a boy to grow up without his father? How could he ever have thought to put himself between Will and Henry? He was sure JJ would want Henry to know the love of two parents. He needed to support her in that. But the grief was overwhelming.

Reid still hadn't been able to eat, and sleep was elusive. Eventually, he gave up the effort and pulled down the box with his mother's journals. He knew there were only a final few entries left to read. He would miss these encounters with his mother, with the woman he knew and the woman he wished he'd known. Just as he would miss being able to discuss them with JJ. Her insights had helped him through so much in the past few months.

He read, "I'm in the hospital. Spencer has just been to see me. My poor boy, he's had to give me frightful news. My brain has failed me again. This time, with a tumor. One that may very well take my life. And my son had to tell me about it. I could see his anguish as he did. Is there no end to the pain I will cause him?"

Reid was amazed. Having just learned that she had a lethal brain tumor, his mother was worried about _him._ He pondered the bond between parent and child. Ever since he'd fallen in love with Henry, he understood it just a little bit better.

The entry went on. "There is always something good that comes from every crisis. In this case, the good is that I am not being given my medication. That is bringing me blessed periods of clarity. If I die this way, I shall be happy. I am able to be with my son, my heart, in a clear state of mind, for the first time in a very long time. And for that, I will be forever grateful."

Tears blurred his vision. That his mother would have gratitude for a fatal illness, simply because it allowed her a better quality of time with him, touched him deeply.

"Spencer has brought a 'friend' with him. Her name is Jennifer. I can see something in his face when he talks about her, and in hers when she talks about him. She's told me how much she respects and admires him. She even called him 'noble'. And she's made him godfather to her son. I don't think Spencer realizes it, but I believe there is a very deep bond developing between them. Mothers always know these things."

_Well, you were right, Mom. At least on my part. Maybe on JJ's as well, I don't know. I thought so, once. But it's all moot now._

The next entry began with "Spencer, if you're reading this, make sure you keep turning pages until you find what I've left you. You will know it when you see it."

He realized he shouldn't have been as surprised as he was. Of course she would have assumed he'd read her journals. But he'd never expected her to address him directly.

He noticed that this entry was shorter than the rest, and then realized that the writing trailed off the page. It came to him that this was what she'd been writing when she'd had that final seizure. These were, in essence, her final thoughts.

"My son cried with me today. And I with him. That wouldn't be a journal-worthy piece of information if it had ever happened before. But I can't remember another time. I can vaguely remember screaming at him in the throes of my illness, and I can remember making him cry. But today he cried _with_ me, not _because_ of me. Today, we were able to offer comfort to one another, and I am thankful for that. We cried over separation and forgiveness, over loving one another enough to do the hard thing. I am so very….

And the last letter trailed off the page. He'd come to the end of his mother's life. _How is it possible_ , he thought, _to feel so full and so empty at the same time?_

He knew the journal entry was about his mother's forgiving him…..actually, her _thanking_ him…..for sending her to Bennington. It was a weight he'd been carrying for a long, long time, and she'd relieved him of it.

His thoughts turned, inevitably, to JJ. His mother's words echoed in his mind. _Separation and forgiveness…..loving one another enough to do the hard thing….._

An internal debate raged. He wondered exactly what 'the hard thing' was for JJ and himself. Was it giving up on a relationship that was only just beginning….but held such promise…for the sake of her little boy? Was it him finding a way to stay in their lives while making no demands on their affection? Was it all of them sloshing through the messiness of little Henry having two father figures?

The answer eluded him.

* * *

Reid was already on his fourth cup of coffee by the time he entered the BAU on Friday. Five straight nights of no sleep coupled with very little food intake took a toll on one's energy. And on one's defenses. When JJ greeted him in the morning, he gave her a genuine smile, complete with eye contact. Taking that as a sign that things might be thawing between them, JJ rubbed Reid's arm as she walked past. He immediately stiffened. The defenses had fallen firmly back in place.

"JJ, please don't."

"Don't what? Touch you?"

"Yes."

She was hurt and angry at the same time. "Spence, don't do this. We have to talk."

"There's nothing to talk about. Things are what they are."

"Which is what we need to talk about. I don't think we're in agreement about how things 'are'. When you come over tomorrow, we have to talk."

"I was going to take Henry out to a museum." _Or anywhere, just so we don't have to have this conversation._

"We can talk before or after, but it _has_ to happen, Spence."

_He never could say 'no' to her_.

"All right, JJ, we'll talk tomorrow."

* * *

He felt lost that night. Without JJ, without Henry, and now, having finished her journals, without his mother. And then he remembered….

He leafed through the pages after his mother's final journal entry until he found it. His mother was right, he knew it as soon as he saw it. Because it started with,

"My Dearest Spencer,

How grateful I am to have this final clarity, this opportunity to be sound-minded enough to give you what I think you need from me.

Firstly, know that I am so very, very proud of you. Of course I admire your accomplishments, your academic achievements, your talented memory. But I recognize that all of those things have come to you as gifts. What you have chosen to do with them is a result of your character. And your character is something you built all on your own. I am proud of the man you have chosen to become. You help others (even if it is for the government)…."

Reid never _could_ be sure if she meant for those asides to be humorous.

"…..and Jennifer tells me you have saved many lives. That you have become this man despite the childhood I gave you is a miracle, and one for which I am immensely grateful.

Secondly, I thank you. Another son might have hated a mother like me. But you treated me with endless patience, with compassion, with forgiveness, none of which I really deserved. No mother ever feels adequate to her role, but _I know_ that my lack of ability, my abject failures, were real. I'm so, so sorry, Spencer, that I couldn't have been better for you. Please know that you are, and have always been, the single most important person in my life.

His tears were making it hard for him to read.

"And, finally, some motherly advice. Better late than never! Spencer, you tend to retreat from life. I know your past has made you feel safer when you isolate yourself. But Spencer, I don't want you to live your life alone. Your father and I failed to create a family for you, and in doing so, we failed you. Life is meant to be lived in relationship….it's the whole, the only, point. Find that girl who makes you happy. Make a family with her. Live actively, not passively. Don't wait for it to come to you….it may well pass you by. Seek what you want. Take a chance on it. I know you remember me saying "when you're ready, the right girl will come along." When she does, make sure you take her by the hand.

Be engaged with life. Read the great stories. Gaze upon fine art. Listen to beautiful music. Explore the night sky. My adventure is coming to an end. Yours is still being written. Enjoy your life, my heart. Be happy.

With love eternal,

Mom"


	11. Chapter 11

**Echoes**

**Chapter 11**

Saturday dawned gloomy, but with a promise of sunshine to come. Reid roused himself slowly. He wondered if the few hours of sleep he'd managed were a help or a hindrance. Maybe they'd only made him more groggy. But after many nights without it, he was grateful for every minute of rest.

His nose followed the smell of coffee to the kitchen. He mentally thanked Garcia for convincing him to invest in a programmable coffeemaker. It had saved him on many a morning.

He was at a loss as to how to handle seeing JJ and Henry today. He'd been prepared to offer the superficial, pleasant persona he'd been bringing to work all week. It may not have worked all that well, and he didn't expect to fool JJ, but he could always hope it would be effective with Henry.

And then he'd read his mother's final letter and been completely thrown. All throughout his reading of her journals, Reid had found evidence that she'd known him much better than he'd thought. Known him, in some ways, much better than he knew himself. But to have encountered that letter, at this specific time in his life, seemed like so much more than coincidence. It seemed, somehow, like a _plan_.

_How could she have managed that?_

Last night, after the letter, Reid had examined himself through the eyes of his mother. She was so right about him. He was too willing to let life happen to him. Even his relationships with JJ and Henry had come about because JJ had initiated them. When it had gotten difficult between them, he'd pulled back. Once, he would have pulled back to avoid being hurt himself. Now, he'd pulled back so his presence wouldn't hurt them. Or so he hoped.

_Well, I guess that's progress._ He hadn't left cynicism behind.

Progress or not, it still left him alone, and the ache inside hadn't diminished. It flavored every part of every waking moment…..and there had only _been_ waking moments, for days. He did his best to rehearse what he might say when he and JJ had their 'talk', but his brain wouldn't cooperate, and his heart wasn't in it. He felt like his heart had other ideas.

* * *

 

JJ had been having her own dilemma about seeing Reid. She'd grown so close with him before Henry's accident that she might have predicted what happened when Will went home with her and Henry. She'd been stuck in a situation she couldn't avoid. She couldn't deny Henry the presence of his father and, especially in the circumstance, she couldn't send Will to stay in a hotel.

Still, she hadn't been quite ready for the degree of devastation she'd seen on Reid's face. She felt she'd hurt him in a way she'd never intended, and didn't fully understand. When he wouldn't answer her calls in the days following, she's needed Penelope to help her process it.

"Jayje, didn't he grow up without a father? He probably thinks he's coming between Henry and Will. And you know Reid, he'd never allow that. He probably thinks he needs to step aside." She gave JJ a direct look. "And he thinks Will has stepped right back into his family."

Realization dawned. "Spence thinks he's lost us," and then, almost as an aside to herself, "and lost himself in the process."

Garcia was nodding. "Give my girl a prize. I really think that's it. And if I know my baby genius, it's killing him."

A sorrowful look crossed JJ's face. The last thing she wanted to do was to hurt Spence.

"But I thought we were so connected, Pen. He was as strong as steel for me when I needed him in the hospital. He literally held me together. How could he think I'd want him gone just because Will was there?"

"Because he doesn't want to stand between you and your happiness."

"What does that mean?"

Penelope was patient. "JJ, honey, I don't know if either of you realize it yet, but he's crazy in love with you. All of us…well, except Hotch….had a pool going about when "it" would happen."

JJ was astounded. "You were _betting_ on us? For or against?"

Garcia had the grace to look embarrassed. " _For_ , of course. The bet was about _when_ , not _if_."

For a moment, JJ was speechless. As good as they were in the field, the team hadn't exactly learned subtlety when it came to personal relationships. Some of them had dropped comments indicating they were aware of her growing relationship with Reid, but she hadn't any idea they were finding it a source of entertainment.

Garcia was watching the progression of expressions on JJ's face and thought she needed to head off an explosion.

"We're all rooting for the two of you, JJ. We love you both, and we want you to be happy. And until this week, you looked like you could be happy together."

JJ seemed appeased. With a rueful look, she told Garcia, "I was beginning to think so too."

She gave a wry laugh. "Who would have predicted? He was so young and naïve when he first joined the team. I was only two years older, but you'd have thought it was a lifetime." Looking into the distance as she reminisced. "But so much has happened. _He's_ changed, _I've_ changed. Neither of us are the same people we were before. I have so much respect for him, Garcia. He cares so much, even when it hurts him. He's gentle with my little boy, and I love watching them together. And, get this, he _listens_ to me, he actually asks my opinion on things and then _listens_ to the answers. And I find myself always wanting to know what he thinks…about everything. It kind of crept up on me when I wasn't looking, but I think it might be real."

Garcia gave her a knowing smile. "Yep, my girl's been bitten." Shifting subjects, she asked, "Didn't you feel that way about Will?"

"Will." JJ rubbed her face. "Will. Will is a good man, Garcia. He's wonderful with Henry, too. But it never felt…solid. When I met him, there was an excitement that I hadn't felt in a long time. He's a great flirt and I was flattered that he was interested. And yes," she noticed a smirk on Penelope's face, "he _is_ a great lover. Fireworks galore."

She shifted position. "But fireworks have their moment, and then they're gone. I don't know if we would have lasted _this_ long if we hadn't had Henry to think about."

"Why _did_ you split, JJ?"

JJ sighed. She'd never quite put it into words, even for herself. She'd just known it was the right thing to do.

"I guess a better question is 'why were we together?' I'd never planned to get pregnant…..not that I would ever regret having Henry in my life….but when I did, it felt like we had to do something about it. When Will quit his job, I guess I was hoping it meant we would be able to make a family for our baby. And, for a while, we did. But it's one thing to try to make a family for the sake of a child, and another to bring a child into a loving adult relationship."

"And you didn't think you were bringing Henry into that kind of relationship," Garcia finished for her.

"Henry was the _reason_ for the relationship. That's too much pressure on a child, and it's not a strong enough basis for a life together. I was afraid it wouldn't hold, and I didn't want Henry in the middle of it."

"So you broke it off?"

"Mostly, I held back. Will wanted to get married while I was still pregnant, but something in me knew it wasn't right. It was a long time before he asked again. I think he knew it wasn't the right thing for us either, but he thought quitting felt like failure. One night, we had a long talk….a pretty tearful one. Both of us love Henry so much, we knew we couldn't let our issues hurt him. And we knew the only way to avoid that was to part, still friendly, and still able to be supportive of one another. We wanted to set that example for our son."

"Jayje, have you ever told any of this to Reid?"

"Only that Will and I parted as friends."

"Girlfriend, you don't have to take my advice, but here it is anyway. I think Reid needs to hear this from you. He needs to know that you and Will are not going to get back together as a family, that he is _not_ in the way of Henry having both of his parents together. Because until he knows that, Sir Galahad will be determined to absent himself from the picture."

JJ pondered the wisdom of Garcia as she prepared for Reid's visit. She hoped it wasn't too late to have that conversation.

* * *

 

The door opened before Reid could ring the bell. JJ held a finger to her lips.

"He's sleeping." At Reid's questioning look, she added, "The doctor said he'd be more sleepy for a few weeks, from the concussion. He'll probably be out for a while. I'm sorry, Spence."

"It's okay, I can see him another day." Turning to go, he was trying not to look as relieved as he felt.

"Spence." There was a command there, and it stopped him in mid-stride. "We were going to talk."

He turned and faced her. Now that she'd gotten a better look at him, she was alarmed. The only word that came to mind was 'haggard'.

"Spence, have you been eating? Have you been sleeping?"

Time for truth. "Not much….of either."

"Come in and sit down." She nodded him to the sofa. He felt too weak to disobey.

"Spence, please look at me." When he did, she saw the familiar brown eyes, made strange because they were absent their usual light.

"Last week, when Henry was hurt, I was a mess. The only way I got through it was by holding on to you. You were so strong for me, and I was…and am….so grateful. But then Will came, and you disappeared. What happened?"

He was afraid to begin. He didn't trust his voice to carry him through it.

"JJ, I'm glad I could be there for you and Henry. I was afraid for him too. I probably needed you just as much as you thought you needed me. But when Will came….." he swallowed, "….when Will came, you didn't need me anymore. Henry needed his father and his mother, not me."

She stared at him. "I didn't just _think_ I needed you, Spence. And Will's being there didn't change that at all."

JJ tried hard to keep a note of recrimination from her voice. "Henry has been looking for you. Even before Will went back to New Orleans, Henry was wondering why his Uncle Spence wasn't coming to visit him. Everyone else had been to the house by then….and he was missing _you_."

Reid had expected this to come up, but it upset him none the less. He turned to face her directly.

"JJ, the very last thing I ever wanted to do was to hurt Henry. But he has a _father_. How could I be in the way of that?"

She was beginning to understand, and now she had to find a way to make him understand as well.

"You know, you're right. Will is Henry's father, now and forever. He's a good man. He loves Henry and Henry loves him. But Henry also has a very big heart. He has plenty of room for loving you, too."

She paused for effect. "Which he does, very much."

Reid swallowed and JJ noticed a little light coming back into his eyes.

"When Henry says his prayers at night, he always includes you and Garcia. But last night, he wanted to add a special prayer just for his Uncle Spence. He asked God to make you happy again." JJ's voice broke at the last few words.

Reid looked away as he blinked back tears. He shook his head.

"I don't know what to say. And obviously I don't know what to do. I never wanted to worry him and I don't ever want to hurt him." Looking back at her, he added, "or you."

JJ sat back against the couch and sighed. "You know, Spence, for two people who don't want to hurt each other, we do a pretty good job of just that."

He didn't understand. "What do you mean?"

She looked at him, and then away again. Got up to flick on the fire, more to have something to look at than because she was cold.

"When we didn't hear from you …..and when you didn't answer any of my calls," she started.

Reid's eyes hit the ground. He'd not taken her calls to try to avoid saying the wrong thing. Now it just seemed petty.

"I didn't know what to think. I could see you were upset when we left the hospital with Will. I thought I understood why, but I clearly didn't understand how much. I felt like I'd hurt you in a way I'd never intended. And I didn't know how to make it right."

Reid continued his stare at the floor. He was looking almost as devastated now as he had then. JJ wanted to reach out to him, but remembered how skittish he'd been yesterday. She picked up a pillow and hugged that, instead.

She looked briefly at him. "Penelope helped me work it out. She thought I should tell you what I told her." She looked the question at him, _do you want to know?_

He eventually looked back at her. He wasn't sure he _did_ want to know, but he nodded at her to continue.

And so JJ explained to Reid what she'd explained to Garcia, about how her romance with Will had both started and ended…..but leaving out the part about the fireworks. "He'll always be a part of my life, Spence, but he is not the center of it. My doubts are about how it will affect Henry. But I have no doubts about whether I should be with Will."

Watching him now, she added, "I just thought you should know."

Reid let out a held breath and stared into the fire. His mind was a jumble of racing thoughts. He'd just been told that the woman he loved was free to love him. But he couldn't _assume_ that she loved him. Maybe she just didn't love Will. But then, why would she tell him this? How could he know?

His memory brought out his mother's final letter. _Seek what you want. Take a chance on it._ He was pretty sure he knew what he wanted. But he was terrified to take the chance. There was so much at stake.

Just then they heard the padding of little feet.

"Uncle Spence!"

Reid stood and Henry leapt into his arms. They hugged each other tightly, Reid grateful to feel again the weight of holding his godson and the clasp of the little arms and legs wrapped around him.

"Henry, my little man! I've missed you."

"Are you sick, Uncle Spence? You don't look so good."

"He's just kind of tired, Henry. Maybe you and Uncle Spence can play inside this afternoon, while I make us some dinner." She looked to Reid for his agreement to stay, which he granted with a small smile and a nod.

"That's right, Henry. Maybe you can beat me in a game of chess. And I just might have a new card trick for you….."

"Yay! I love card tricks!"

Reid hadn't realized how much he'd missed Henry's "Yay!" until he heard it again. Something was becoming right in his world.

* * *

The two most important men in JJ's life played the remainder of the afternoon together. At dinner, Reid almost fell into his plate from exhaustion. But JJ made sure he ate two helpings first.

Henry 'fooled' JJ with the same card trick four times in a row after dinner. Before he could start on a fifth, she reminded him that the doctor wanted him to have an early bedtime.

"Uncle Spence, can you read me a story?"

Reid yawned before replying. "Sure, Henry. What will it be?"

"I like this one, Uncle Spence." And he handed Reid one of his favorites, given to him by his godfather.

Later, JJ finished up in the kitchen and went in to say prayers with Henry. He sat up in his bed, looking at her with a grin on his face. "Shhh, Uncle Spence is asleep," Henry giggled. And indeed he was.

JJ was tempted to cover him up and let him sleep there, but Reid roused to Henry's giggle. After he'd spent a few moments orienting, he leaned over and kissed Henry good night, then got up.

"Maybe we need a more exciting story for next time, Henry." Causing JJ to giggle.

Henry said his prayers, and this time thanked God for bringing his Uncle Spence to see him. And for making him happier.

Reid gulped back the lump in his throat.

* * *

 

When they closed Henry's door, Reid told JJ he thought he should be on his way. She stopped him.

"Spence, no, you're way too exhausted. You'll have an accident. Stay here. You can sleep in the guest room or on the couch."

His body was in total agreement with her, but the rest of him was uncertain. He knew there were still things left unsaid between them, and he wasn't at all sure how to go about saying them. Staying, he was sure, would lead to that conversation.

His mother's words, _live actively, not passively_ , were running through his head. Was this the time to take action? Should he tell JJ how he felt? Could he? Was he prepared for the consequences if she didn't feel the same way?

JJ joined him on the sofa. "Thank you, Spence."

He wasn't sure what she meant. "For coming to see Henry. You made him really happy."

He was smiling and shaking his head. "You've got that all wrong, JJ. It's Henry who makes _me_ happy."

"I love that you love my little boy."

"It's not just your little boy that I love."

_Yipes! Did I just say that out loud? Am I that tired?_

Apparently, he had. JJ was looking at him. "Spence?"

He could almost feel his mother physically pushing him. If he was going to take a chance in his life, it had to be here, and it had to be now. Still, what if it didn't work out…

JJ didn't think it would have been possible for Reid to get any paler that evening, but it was happening. She thought she knew what was coming. And she'd considered how she had to handle it.

Reid leaned forward, facing into the fire. Several times, he looked like he was about to start speaking, and then stopped himself.

She could see how hard this was for him. She wanted so badly to reach out to him. But she knew that, this time, he would have to come to her. If they were ever to have a real relationship, it needed to come from both of them. It couldn't happen by default,…..he was going to have to claim it, to actively declare that he wanted her in his life.

He angled himself toward her. "JJ, I…..It's….I treasure the friendship we have. I don't want to lose it. But…..". His eyes searched the distance for the right words. "There's something…" putting his fist to his chest "…..deeper, in here, that feels like it won't let me go."

Her knowing smile encouraged him.

His eyes kept moving, constantly searching her face.

"You know I've loved you for a long time…..you and Henry both." That made them both smile. "But I think I need something more from you."

She teared up. Seeing it, his insecurities reared up and he worried that it meant she was about to let him down. He pulled back, so it might be less awkward for her.

"It's okay, JJ. It's all right if you don't feel the same way. I put it aside once, I can do it again. I just don't want to lose what we do have."

Despite his words, she'd watched his face crumple as he'd said them.

_How can one person be so endearing and so exasperating at the same time? My genius._

She hit him with a pillow. "You dork! Of course I love you!"

He stared at her, stunned. He didn't know whether to laugh or cry. "You _love_ me?" competed with "Dork?"

But JJ did notice that the light was all the way back on in his eyes now.

Those eyes studied her for what seemed like a long time. "You know, I finished reading my mother's journals yesterday."

JJ wasn't sure where he was going.

"She actually wrote me a letter...apparently she planned that I would see it after she died."

JJ encouraged him with a look.

"She had some really good advice for me, and I intend to follow it. She said, "When you're ready, the right girl will come along. When she does, make sure you take her by the hand."

As he was saying this, Reid grasped both of JJ's hands in his. Her eyes filled.

His own eyes overflowing, Reid made his declaration, took charge of his life. "You are that 'right girl' for me, Jennifer Jareau. I love you, and I want to make a life with you. Will you take a chance on me?"

It was a moment before she could find her words.

"Take a chance on loving my best friend, my confidant, my solid foundation? I don't think chance has anything to do with it."

She put her arms around him, and they held each other close. All of the highs and lows of the past weeks and months were caught up in the embrace. The tension finally released, they melted into one another.

Reid pushed JJ back. Gently, he took her face in his hands. His gaze moved back and forth from her eyes to her lips. Slowly, he brought her near, and finally their lips met.

Their first kiss was sweet, soft, tender…flavored by the salt from their shared tears.

The next, and the next, and the next…. felt like something else.

_Not fireworks, really..._ JJ found herself thinking…... _more like a hearth fire burning._ _Something warm, and bright. Something around which to build a life._

Reid was thinking too.

_Thanks, Mom._

FINIS __

* * *

 

**_The story continues in 'Reverberations'._ **

 


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